Stop and Smell the Daisies...

2010-08-31T11:09:00.000-07:00

This was one of the best birthdays I've had in a while. I felt very loved, which I needed to be reminded of (it's so easy for the Enemy to make me forget and believe I'm invisible or easily forgotten). I felt the love from nearly all corners of my life.

First: Birthday workout! It felt good to spend the morning working out to Turbo Jam! Then, Birthday Breakfast with Sarah! (Pics below)

Sarah made hasbrowns and most of the pancakes and I made the eggs. It was delicious and just what I wanted :)

I then went to see the movie "The Kids Are Alright" starring Annette Benning and Julianne Moore, along with the dreamy Mark Ruffalo. I overall really enjoyed this movie but there are some pretty strong R-rated stuff (if you get my drift) which sometimes felt unnecessary to this story. I liked the characters and their struggles felt very real to me. It was as if they were people I could know and I always appreciate that in a movie. It's relatable even though it's about lesbians and I, in fact, don't know any lesbians. Yet I felt like I could know these two. The theater was super cute and only $5 which is just awesome.

I then made my journey towards the Ocean. That's right, I went to the beach (finally!). I think the highlighted word in that last sentence is journey. It took me 2 hours to finally stop, park, and sit on the sand. I was stuck in LA traffic on PCH for most of that time, but I finally decided to just pay for parking and stop at the nearest stop place. While I was only there for 2 hours, it was well worth it.

The evening of the 26th of August ended with Free Yogurtland with my roomies! While I'm pretty sure yogurtland isn't my favorite yogurt place anymore (gasp!) I can't pass the FREE yogurt when it comes my way! I want to say "Thank You!" to everyone who made me feel special on my birthday.

I'll post more pictures from my whirlwind weekend of birthday celebrations later :)

random thoughts put into one entry!

2010-08-04T16:19:00.000-07:00

It's been a little over a month since I moved and time has flown by. Its funny how I keep telling myself, "Life will be slower next month" then that month flies by and my schedule is booked. I've come to appreciate being in control of my schedule again, so there's no complaint there. It seems I've busied myself with a lot of hangout/catch up time with some new and old friends which is very life-giving for me because I've learned that I need people in my life. Don't get me wrong, this isn't some new realization or anything, but it's something I can forget. You see, I'm very a very independent person but only because I've always had to be. I had to take care of things in my family when others couldn't, or make sure things got taken care of (at school and home) or else I'd be stuck. All that to say, I've always been on my own so it comes pretty naturally for me to assume I'll have to do things on my own and assume that no one will be able to join me so it's good to remember that I do have friends who love me.

Yesterday, after I began writing this update, I went home and had dinner with Liz and then I began to get ready to see my high school friend who is leaving for Mexico to join the Peace Corp in a week or two. We were meeting in a bar in Santa Monica (which I looked up on Yelp to see what the style of the bar was) at 9pm so I had some time to get ready and try to look "cute". I did my hair, tried a new outfit of random things I put together, did my make-up (the whole deal). I also brought my iPod which has been kept up in my room since the move and I figured it needed to get out of the room and help me dance as I drove to the bar.

I finally got ready and got in my car. I specifically remember thinking that I should pick a song now and then get on the road rather than as I was driving so I picked a song. As I was getting ready to turn onto the 10W Fwy, I waited in the turning lane under the underpass and decided that I wanted to change my song choice. So I looked down and began clicking through some of my songs (old school iPod). I then thought, "They have already started moving because the light turned green so I should push the gas and catch up"...3...2...1..BANG!

They hadn't moved at all.

I totally hit the car ahead of me and immediately push the brakes and my hand rushed to cover my head. I was in shock. What the hell had I just done??

The guy in the car ahead of me got out and I asked him if he was ok. He said yes and decided we should pull over as to not be in traffic. We exchanged information and as of 4:08pm today I haven't heard from him but I'm assuming this is really gonna cost me. My car was basically undamaged (some bumps here and a scratch) but his bumper was dented and some definite scratching. I've heard bumpers usually are in the $400-$800 range so I'm praying for something on the cheaper end of things.

I'm praying that this all gets taken care of and I can move forward soon. This doesn't help when I'm beginning to stress out about money and needing to save but always running into new ways my money seems to be spent. For the past 2 years since I've worked in LA I haven't lived paycheck to paycheck and I'm finding that happening more now. Granted I have a lot more bills now so that takes a big chunk out of my pocket right there...

All this to say, life has moved quickly. I've seen people and gotten more opportunities to meet and catch up with others than I had in the internship but I have also experienced some financial stress in my life that feels heavy and frustrating. August has just begun and I'm hopeful that it will end on a more positive (at least financially) note than July did. I covet your prayers for support from our wonderful Father who provides all we need. I pray for guidance as to how to save well and spend wisely as well as staying focused while driving.

Peace,
Erika

HOME

2010-07-09T16:56:00.000-07:00

When does a new place begin to feel like home? At the moment it feels like it will take a long time to really sink into the reality that Kenwood is my home. I've told several friends that it feels like I'm at Summer Camp and at the end of the summer I'll be moving back to La Salle with my other (ex) roommates. But that isn't true. That's not going to happen. And I don't know how I feel about that yet. Hardships grow bonds between people and sometimes it's difficult to break those bonds in transition time and through change.

My spiritual life is in a vulnerable state right now and I can feel it. Doubts come to mind much faster and fear creeps into my heart easier these days. I find myself constantly asking if I made the right choice, asking God why He promised me good things here (and what exactly ARE those good things going to be), as well as what this means for the next year of my life to remain here. Am I really making roots to remain in LA or just mixing up the soil, allowing air into the ground in preparation for seeds to be planted later? [side note: I'm not always the best at analogies so I hope that made sense]. What I am trying to say is that I am in lots of transition and thinking about the future and easily overwhelmed right now. I do have this specific ministry desire in my heart but I need God to confirm and I need some healing (and patience it seems) before I can pursue any ministry in any certain location. I don't feel "called" or led to stay in Los Angeles but for the next 11 1/2 months this will be what I call home. After that....we'll have to wait and see.

Taking down the last 2 years of life

2010-06-24T23:46:00.000-07:00

It's really crazy to me that in just two days I will be living in a completely different place. I think packing has been a surreal experience because I've thought of it as a "to-do" list rather than the transition of things to come. I've thought, "Man, I want to be really prepared and ready for when everyone moves on Saturday" rather than "Oh man, I'm not going to be living here and I'm slowing taking apart the last two years of my life".

It's pretty late and I've spent the better part of every night this week packing, going to the Goodwill to make donations, throwing junk away, and making box after box after box. I'm very tired and almost to the point of exhaustion. Thankfully, I have a God that loves me and allowed me to take both Friday and Monday off work to move and hopefully rest on Monday. All that to say, I just have some prayer requests for those who feel inclined to pray for me:

1) Strength and endurance as I enter the last stretch of what has felt like the longest and most full two months of my life! Ending SP, friends moving, good-bye dinners birthdays, concerts, family stuff....it has all been very fun and needed but tiring all the same.

2) Grace for my new roommates as we learn how to become a new "household". We've all spent these two years learning how to love the roommates we were given and now that's over and we have to decide if/ learn how to put that same intentionality into these new house dynamics and relationships.

3) Help moving! I'm hoping to get a good portion done throughout the day tomorrow but it's just me tomorrow so that might be more challenging that I'm planning ;) We'll see what happens.

4) I'm praying that we are all moved in on Saturday and that we'll be able to clean up La Salle and leave on Sunday..forever. I would feel so blessed if I had Monday to just rest, pray, and prepare for a new season in my life at my new house!

Lastly, I want to apologize to any friends who feel disconnected or ignored. I promise that I love you and that you are important to me, but physically and (mostly) emotionally I'm very weak, vulnerable and needing much rest. I'm not really able to engage with much as I take in the intense processing of leaving SP, moving, and thinking about the direction of life. I'm sorry that I haven't been the best friend. I hope you can forgive me and that we can talk and catch up in July. All I need is some sleep, prayer, and peace and I'll be good as new.

This is one of our last group pictures as La Salle @ Disneyland

Here's to another adventure and a new season of change, growth, healing, and redemption in our lives. This is my hope for myself along with all who read this and are in need to these things. God is so good to us.

"The End" of many things

2010-06-02T12:10:00.000-07:00

It's an odd and sometimes unnerving feeling when things end in my life. Change is not always a welcome friend and yet it can sometimes feel like my constant companion. The internship that I have been a part of for two years (Servant Partners) is ending in less than a week (actually 4 days, but who's counting?). It seems surreal to even think of life outside the internship. I should mention that this is usually my sentiment when big changes occur in my life. I believe I said the same thing when I was moving away from home, when I moved out of the dorms, and when I graduated from Fullerton and prepared to begin the internship. But does that make the feeling any less legitimate? This internship and these classmates that I have put in my blood, sweat, and seemingly unending tears to for the last two years is going to end on Saturday June 5th at 4pm. And then it's over. Like I said, unnerving.

I also feel like the end of LOST is somewhat unnerving (on a much lesser scale mind you) since I've spent the last 6 seasons watching these characters lives change and watching the character arcs written, to have it all end with a smashing 2 1/2 hour finale. Some might laugh at my emotional connection to the show LOST and others might laugh at the fact that I'm comparing a TV show to the community that I've been a apart of for two years..and for all those people I say that I'm glad that I could amuse you :) But for those who are still reading, let me explain. When LOST first began I honestly didn't understand the hype. I actually missed the entire first season when it aired on ABC. But then some friends of mine began watching it on DVD the summer it was released and from that moment on, we were hooked. We sometimes stayed up until 1 or 2 in the morning watching episode after episode because we couldn't wait to see what was going to happen next. I remember watching the show together as a large group and talking about it for hours after the episode to discuss theories on what it all meant or could mean in future episodes. I felt like I was part of something really special because I was in a group of people/community that got together each week to watch the show about a group of people/community living together and learning how to survive.

When I moved to LA, that group meant so much more to me than it did at the time because now I wouldn't be able to walk 30 feet to the guys place to watch LOST together. That group was ending and so was my time in Fullerton. I might not have been the biggest fan of the show then, but once I left, it became my connection to my Fullerton community. I watched (and became even more enthralled with) the show as I watched it alone in LA because I was thinking about my friends watching it back in Fullerton. I missed watching it with people that I love and enjoying the show together. It didn't hurt that the show was amazing and the characters they created were so human and lovable...but that's for another post. . .

Now two years have passed and many amazing episodes have aired. My relationships to those friends from college have changed and some have adapted to the new challenges and demands that make getting together more difficult and those friendships have survived (PTL!). I had also found a new community in my co-workers and new friends (Candice!) to watch and discuss the episodes with. LOST lovers aside, I have also experienced, struggled, and grown with my Servant Partners internship class over the past two years. Has it been the hardest two years I can remember? Yes. Would I do it again? Yes! Call me crazy but this internship has formed me and changed my life for the better. I'm not entirely sure where my relationship with God is at the moment, but I know that He loves me and I learned that through experiencing a dark season with my teammates and housemates right by my side. Were my teammates perfect? No. Did they try to love me and one another? Definitely. I can see that now....

But now the series finale has aired and LOST is over. On Saturday at 4pm Servant Partners will be over. The friendships that I've invested in will change, roommates will change, and my rhythm of life will once again change. Unnerving.

The link between these two (seemingly disconnected things in my life) is the word Community. I've learned a lot about community and what good (and bad) community looks like through Servant Partners and I've learned that TV can provide both a visual/fictional community with the characters but also a community of fellow LOST lovers to watch and discuss the show with. Personally, community is the best part of loving/watching TV for me. I love talking about the shows with people..but that's my personal opinion about why I support TV watching.... and again another blog post topic!

I always appreciate prayer, especially as I transition out of Servant Partners and into a new stage in life. In this next year I hope to see healing and growth in my relationships with friends and in my family. I hope to watch some great new TV shows. But mostly, I hope for strength to continue my pursuit of God and to continue learning about what He has to say about change in my life. I hope to learn how to let go, move on, and hold things in this life close to my heart and loosely at the same time. I expect great and glorious things from my God and I expect it will be in the most unexpected of places. In the changes that occur...

Change, my constant companion and worst enemy. I know you usually bring good things to my life and I grow in my understanding of myself and my God through you...but man, you hurt sometimes..

Bus Stop Craziness

2010-04-28T22:08:00.000-07:00

I have been taking the bus home from work for the past year and a half. Sometimes I love it because I don't have to pay for parking at USC (pricey!) and I'm commuting in ways a lot of my neighborhood commutes. Other times though, I have to admit that I hate riding the bus. I don't always like being squished into the bus like sardines and then pushed back and forth at the whim of the stop-and-go driver's pedal. Today, however, I have a very different reason why I 1)LOVE and 2) hate the bus.

It was just like any other Wednesday after work. I was walking up to the bus stop, listening to "Burning Up" from the Glee Madonna soundtrack. I saw a couple others already waiting at the stop and figured a bus would be by shortly (at least I had hoped it would). I placed my bag next to me and sat down waiting for the bus to pull up any minute. The lady sitting on the bench next to me mentioned the fact that I had just missed a bus and I replied "Such is life. Another one will be by shortly". She smiled and we continued waiting. I normally just use my iPhone to listen to music on the way home and always have it in my pocket or bag, but today I decided that I wanted to take a picture because it was so pretty outside. I just got this cool photo-app that lets me choose the film, exposure, and lighting to take a picture so I thought it'd be a cool experiment. Let me pause here and just say that I normally keep my iPhone "under-wraps" in this area because I've heard horror stories of them being stolen even as someone was on a call (Mr. Barlow). But I digress...

I had just taken this cool shot of the sidewalk and street sign that I thought looked pretty cool when I decided that I should listen to some music and get ready for a bus because it would have to be coming soon (it felt like it'd been so long already). I was holding out my iPhone to pick a song when I literally saw a hand come out of nowhere and grab my phone right out of my hands. My earphones popped out of my ears and in a second it was gone. Some kid on a bike stole my iPhone. All I could do was scream "Noooo!!!" All my nightmares had become reality. It was gone and it was all my fault. I stood up and began to follow the thief but he was on a bike and didn't slow down once he had what he intended to take from me. Shock rolled over me and I had no idea what to do about it. The woman sitting next to me didn't know what to do either. I looked around to see what could be done but there was simply nothing. It was gone. I thought about calling the police, but with what phone, right?

I slowly walked back to the bus stop and the woman said very compassionately "Well...think of it this way, at least it wasn't your wallet or worse..." I agreed and thanked God for His protection of any other belongings and for protecting the people standing around me. There was a man standing on the curb and he also said that I was lucky to only lose that. He mentioned that this kid was standing near the bus stop and then circled around and grabbed the phone from me. I couldn't even remember seeing anyone else there, but I was thankful that he had witnessed more of the event than I did. I began to tear up because, for the first time in my entire life, I had something stolen from me. Not just taken from my purse for lack of attention or from me leaving something behind, but it was literally taken from my own hands as if I were holding it out and offering it to the next person on a bike. I felt violated and angry. I was angry at this kid but also myself because I knew I shouldn't have held it out in the open around here and yet I just had to take pictures. I prayed a quick prayer that God would bring justice to the situation and give me peace because there was nothing I could do to make it alright. Only God could make things right and allow me to move on.

But wait...the story isn't over here. Oh no. After what felt like an hour (but in reality was maybe 2 minutes) a man on a bike rode up to the bus stop where myself, the lady, and gentleman were still patiently waiting for our bus. He just stopped and didn't say a word. The woman asked loudly "Is this the guy who took your phone!?!?" Confused I looked at his jacket and I knew it wasn't him because the thief wore a black jacket and cap. Yet he kept standing around and looking at the three of us. He said something in Spanish and thankfully the man next to me understood but didn't really explain what he was saying to me. They shook their heads and seemed to understand each other but didn't clue me into the conversation.

Just then, the man in the green jacket on the bike, pulled out my iPhone from his pocket and handed it over to me. I quickly took it back and safely placed it in my bag. I then quickly and firmly asked "Did you steal this?" (why he would return after stealing it was beyond my comprehension at this point). He didn't really answer yes or no, so I thought he did. I then asked "WHY did you steal my phone?". He then shook his head and said "No...they were trying to sell it". Confused, I asked him again, "So you didn't take my phone?"

After the language barriers were (somewhat) broken and I understood what had just happened to me, I thanked the man. You see, a kid stole my phone and when I yelled "No!!" the man in the green jacket rode his bike after the kid and brought me back my phone. I realized that God had allowed me to witness a miracle today at the corner of Hoover and Adams Blvd. This man in the green jacket chased after the thief and returned what had been taken from me. I thanked him and began to cry as I realized what had happened. I offered to give this man anything I could, but he graciously declined and rode his bike and left.

I just want to praise God for His protection and love for His children. What I experienced today was nothing short of a miracle in South LA. I told those around me when the phone was returned that Jesus was to thank for it being returned! I couldn't help but praise Him to strangers because I couldn't doubt that this was God! Jesus...thank you for working through the people around me at the bus stop and returning my phone to me. I praise you and thank you for being a loving God.

Oh, for funzies...here is the picture I took just before having my phone taken...I will always remember this photo for many reasons :

Theology of Suffering: Take Heart

2010-03-15T15:15:00.000-07:00

[Note: This idea of having a theology of suffering is going to be an on-going part of this blog because it seems to be a major focus of life as well as my time with Servant partners and my walk with Jesus.]

Suffering. Nobody likes it, but as Christians we are told by Jesus himself that we are to expect it:

"12 But before all this, they will lay hands on you and persecute you. They will deliver you to synagogues and prisons, and you will be brought before kings and governors, and all on account of my name. ¹³This will result in your being witnesses to them. ¹⁴But make up your mind not to worry beforehand how you will defend yourselves. ¹⁵For I will give you words and wisdom that none of your adversaries will be able to resist or contradict. ¹⁶You will be betrayed even by parents, brothers, relatives and friends, and they will put some of you to death. ¹⁷All men will hate you because of me. ¹⁸But not a hair of your head will perish. ¹⁹By standing firm you will gain life." Luke 21:12-19

None of these words sound pleasing and yet the disciples (eventually) come to realize that it's worth it. Jesus is worth the suffering they endure and the persecutions they face. We may ask ourselves "What about Jesus makes this suffering worth it?"[Before you continue reading, let me say that I don't mean imply Jesus isn't the Savior and all wonderful, but if I'm being honest I have to include that I had asked myself this question.] And you know...after months (about 5 to be exact) I think I'm beginning to formulate/receive an answer. The only way that you will be willing to suffer for Jesus' name is if you know, deep in your heart, that Jesus loves you and suffered for you. He didn't suffer so we'd feel guilty or so he could prove He was so much better than us (even though that's true). He suffered because his love for us is so intense and powerful that He could do nothing less but to die for you, me, your parents, my brother, your roommates, my co-workers, each of us! We each need to know the love of Christ in our lives before we know that no matter what this world throws our way, we have the love of Jesus to get us through. And that love is powerful, powerful enough to raise Jesus from the dead. Powerful enough to break our cycles of sin, break your addiction to drugs, sex, books, or television.

I still struggle with the knowledge that Jesus loves me personally and intimately. God has seen me struggle with this love since my sophomore year of college and thankfully He has truly brought me through times of darkness and doubt to know in my heart that He sees me and loves me abundantly. Through a vision He gave me at church, Jesus showed me that He weeps when I weep, He is angry when someone hurts me, and He longs to be near me. Jesus, thank you for being patient with me and longing to be near me. Thank you for loving me. I pray that each of you reading this know that Jesus weeps when you weep and longs to be near you as well.

To wrap up this first part of my "Theology of Suffering" I wanted to leave you with a song lyric. This is from Bryan Duncan, a Christian singer that my family has listened to for many years. The song is called " Take Heart" and it's about God's love and the safety we have to run to Him in times of fear or doubt.

There's a voice
Only a soul can hear
In a cleansing rain
Falling soft and clear
Come to your troubled waters edge
Step in and you'll find me there
You'll find me there

Take heart
And I'll take your hand,
Be still and be strong,
We will reach the promise land
Take heart
God knows where we are
He won't let us down
He's brought us too far
Take heart

Photography

2010-03-05T12:28:00.000-08:00

I have always had some interest in pictures and the art of photography. There is so much you can capture in a moment with a picture and to me that's beautiful. There's a blog that I've been following of a photographer/designer that decided to challenge himself this year by taking one photo of himself each day. The challenge is that he has to either portray a different emotion or a new design/composition/color photo. It's pretty neat. I have no memory of how I came upon him or his blog but he fascinates me. Here is a link to his blog: http://kylesteed.com/

I look for his new photo each day to see what he'll capture because there's so much potential with each new morning. I feel inspired to take a photography class! Kyle even has this page where you can ask him questions and I asked him one regarding his personal opinion about taking classes or just taking pictures and he basically said to just keep trying new things and keep taking pictures. So that's what I hope to do! I recently got a new camera for Christmas (thanks mom!) so I'm hoping to explore the images and moments I can capture this year. Unfortunately I won't be taking a picture for each day, but I'll be posting some shots here for you all to enjoy/critique/examine/whatever.

I really liked taking this shot after work on a raining evening:

Happy Friday! Hopefully more pictures to come!

Valentine's Day

2010-02-12T12:34:00.000-08:00

Some might call it "Singles Awareness Day"; others will have that significant other to take out to celebrate their relationship; there will even be those who can't stand Valentine's day and everything they believe it represents. If this were four years ago, two years ago, or even last year, I might have gone into some bitter blog post about how frustrating this "holiday" is. Trust me, I have definitely struggled in previous years with sadness and lack of hope for love in my life.

But this year I want to challenge all us single ladies to not be bitter or hopeless. I want to challenge us to take this day to celebrate the life we have been given from a Glorious Creator who knows just how to love us in all the right ways. I can't say that it's a guarantee that you'll find that "love of your life" in the next three days, three years, or three decades...but I can say that as people of God, we wait patiently on Him and trust that He knows what He's doing in our lives (even our love lives).

Colossians 3:12 reads " Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience".

Women and men of God, we are dearly loved and we are God's beloved children. How blessed and loved are we that the God and Creator of heaven and earth loves us? His love is perfect and never-ending. He loves us unconditionally and without doubt or confusion :) I couldn't ask for a better Valentine.

With an Outstretched Hand

2010-01-15T14:55:00.000-08:00

I'm not a huge "blogger" person, especially after reading some blogs that are out there. However, have been reading more blogs online from people that interest me, inspire me, and challenge my way of seeing the world.

I was recently reading the Jon Acuff blog Stuff Christians Like when I saw the title of a post that read "Acting Surprised when God doesn't seem close". This caught my attention because that is exactly how I have been feeling. More so the 'God not being close' than the being surprised part. As I read the posting, I realized that my priorities have been in chaos lately. Have I set aside time to just be with God? Yes, but rather than listening to Him, I took this time to cry and basically argue my point with God. Each of my prayer times have been challenging because I have cried each time. With each prayer I realize that my relationship with God has changed. For a while, I thought it was because God ignored me or doesn't value me, as though I weren't worth God's time. This is a struggle that I have had for many years with my family and friends, but now it's spread to my relationship with God. Maybe this illustration will help fill out my mindset: I picture God and myself in a car. God's driving and I'm in the passenger seat. God is present with me, I mean, He's in my car. But when I tried talking or tried bringing something up with Him, He turned up the radio or saw something on the side of the road that was WAY more interesting than what I was talking about. I struggle to believe this isn't true for me pretty regularly these days. Which makes me sad. I don't want to see this when I think of my relationship with God. He isn't like this and yet my mind seems to be stuck here.

Thankfully, God saw how disturbed my image of Him was and helped me see Him another way. While I was singing along with worship at church this week I began to cry. This has become a normal occurrence for me at church, but this time I "saw" Jesus and He was sad. Then I felt like just as I was crying because I missed my old relationship with God, He was crying because I was holding Him at a distance. I looked down (in my "vision/interpretation" of this happening) and saw that my arm was reached out and my hand held out in the form of signaling someone to stop, halt, don't come any closer. I thought to myself, "What am I doing? Why is my arm outstretched keeping God at a distance?" God was telling me the truth of our relationship. It's not that He doesn't find me interesting or that He doesn't love me but rather that I have been keeping Him away. I'm thankful that God cleared that up with me because now I know that God loves me and wants to be near me. Now what I'm working on is putting my arm down and allowing Jesus to love me like He wants to. I still feel the need to keep my arm up, but God is patient with me and told that's alright. He'll wait. Praise God for His patience and mercy that is new for me each morning.

Genesis 32

2009-12-20T00:09:00.000-08:00

So many updates to make, and yet I don't want to report on any of them. Seems like many of the things going on in my life aren't happy or uplifting, but instead rather gloomy and dark.

This is the first Christmas since I can remember when I didn't put up Christmas lights, didn't sit in a room with the lights on listening and singing along with Christmas songs. Christmas still feels like a distant event that I should be anticipating but instead I find myself anxious. My thoughts lately seem to wonder to the minds of those who have lost a loved one and this will be their first Christmas without this person, or the people who cannot visit home for the holiday for lack of time off, or this overwhelming loss of joy I have been experiencing in the past month.

I feel as though I have been wrestling with God and I'm weary. My emotions are shot, my strength is gone, and I don't know where to turn to. People? No, for this is a battle between me and my Creator. God? Well...He's sort of the one I'm wrestling with right now.. So who? It is a lonely point when you feel as though God is not someone to be trusted or someone who is ultimately good no matter what the circumstance. I want to believe that God is the greatest, most loving, and powerful being ..but right now I'm struggling to see. I'm struggling to take off my goggles that seem to cloud my view making everything hazy and dark.

In Genesis 32, Jacob wrestles God and in the end, he leaves with with a limp from this wrestle he had with God. While I have a million questions about this verse and it's purpose and meaning, I can see that I'm wrestling with God and I feel my strength weakening. I hope to overcome as Jacob did at daybreak, even if that means walking with a limp from that point on.

²⁴ So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak. ²⁵ When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob's hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man. ²⁶ Then the man said, "Let me go, for it is daybreak."
But Jacob replied, "I will not let you go unless you bless me."

Lord, I will not let you go unless you bless me....

2009-12-18T15:53:00.000-08:00

I must have been given new eyes
because these only seem to see bleak futures and lonely paths
How I want my old eyes, the ones to see hope in chaos
and life with joy

Remind me that you are good. Remind me that you love me.
Let that be enough.

2009-12-04T16:44:00.000-08:00

I want my life to be the poetry of the Poet himself, I want to sing- to be a melody intertwined with The Melody Himself. But sometimes I'm hopelessly lost, broken, spent. I fall in love with the ones and things that take life and love away from me. I need The Song Himself to sing through me. I need The Word Himself to speak into me. -Jon Foreman

I am needing the Poet, the Song, the Melody to speak to me because lately I'm feeling as though my "mute" button has been pushed on. I hear no songs, I can't sing any melodies. I want to be more hopeful but that's exactly what I'm seeking rather than attaining. I want hope when all seems pointless. I want reconciliation when all I see are cold shoulders.

TV, Jesus, and me...

2009-10-20T14:15:00.000-07:00

I don't think this is a shock to anyone reading this blog, but I am a BIG fan of television and media, especially the analytical views and study of media. This has been a love of mine for many years. It's what I went to Cal State Fullerton to study! I knew that films/tv/media was what I wanted to learn more about so I got involved in a club on campus about film studies majors (freshman year I wanted to be a director for film). Along with this film club, I also joined Intervarsity Christian Fellowship spring semester of my freshman year. As the weeks continued that Spring, my film club stopped having regular meetings and wasn't organized with it's scheduling of events which meant that most times I couldn't participate in the little they had planned. Intervarsity, however, had a regular meeting on Thursdays and occasional hangouts (this was before the assumed "after IV" party was a given). I became enthralled with the people and the talks that I heard each week at Intervarsity. For Spring break (my first college spring break) I decided that I would spend a week on Catalina Island with basically people I knew for maybe 1 1/2 months and my closest friend wasn't going. I mean, that's crazy! THAT'S how much I valued my time with IV and felt welcome and wanted.

Then I began hearing about God's heart for the poor and poverty issues, racial divisions needing to be reconciled, and what Christians are called to do and serve the broken and hurting world around them. This was a shock to little miss sheltered-Westlake Village-Erika. After really learning and seeing what God was showing me and teaching me about, I began to question my love of media and everything that I was going to school for. I began asking questions like, "Is it wrong to like these things? Should I change my major and my passions for Jesus?" These were tough questions that came with a lot of guilt for being more knowledgeable about movies and entertainment than issues of racism and poverty (a guilt, I confess, I still carry today).

The next summer I participated in the Los Angeles Urban Project and got first hand knowledge and experiences with poverty, homelessness, and what God has to say about the struggles people face each day when they have no home and no food. I was at the Union Rescue Mission for 6 weeks and my entire world view was changed completely. During a talk about careers and interests, they offered an "Arts" lecture about those interested in working in the "Arts". This was the first time I saw my love of "art" (TV and media) and my passion for Jesus and service collide. It felt great to finally have these two in the same discussion! That summer completely changed who I was and how I saw the world, including media and it's power in society. I have never felt like the same girl who walked through the Rescue Mission doors to begin LAUP that summer (praise God).

After the summer ended, it was back to reality. Back to school and media studies courses that barely speak of justice or poverty. Thankfully I took some American Studies courses that DID talk about media's portrayal of societal issues and how they interact (which is why I love it and eventually added that major to my TV one!). But they still didn't talk about God or His opinion on the matter.

This past Sunday, we had the privilege of listening to an SP missionary from India talk about her journey to going abroad and the road that she had to take along the way. Don't get me wrong, I'm always interested in what the missionaries who visit have to say and share about...but she mentioned one statement that grabbed my attention and held it the entire time. She said "I went to USC and was a film major..." Suddenly I wanted to know her entire life story! I wanted to know what she liked about film, what led her to India and what she was doing with her duel love of justice and film. She went on to explain the answers to all my personal questions and then some! Our paths aren't exactly the same...but God used her and her testimony to speak to me and let me know that He created me with the passions that I have and that I don't have to choose one or the other without both intersecting the other at some point. She mentioned an important statement:

" You will have to work for whichever path you decide. If you choose the Jesus/justice piece, then you'll have to work at the business aspect so you keep informed and that's hard! If you choose the business (tv/professor route) then you'll really have to work at keeping up with Jesus and justice to stay informed and involved. Both require work and both aren't easy. But it's worth it!"

I continue to struggle with this idea that I have to choose between media and justice, tv and Jesus, what's right and wrong. But that's not a black and white decision. There are great things to be had in both! I'm completely aware of the dangers and temptations in TV and pursuing any type of job that includes the study and watching of TV. However, I am also aware of the danger of not allowing me to be myself and express the person God has created through the art of analyzing the media that surrounds us every day. Each comes at a cost, and I'm called to pursue Jesus in the inner city as well as media and how it affects my neighbors and their children as residents of the media-soaked United States.

I don't have it all figured out, but I'm glad that Jesus continues to remind me that He cares about what I care about and that He continues to ask difficult questions that require difficult answers but not impossible ones.

2009-10-02T16:30:00.000-07:00

Life is very interesting most times.

It's been a little while since I last updated this blog, and for that I apologize. Lately I have been wrestling with my use of technology (or lack thereof) because time feels like sand slipping through my fingers. I can't seem to hold onto it or use it properly before it's gone. I keep grabbing for more and thinking of new ways to manage it, but still...it slips so quickly from my grasp.

I have been thinking a lot about my relationship with Jesus. I've heard for many years that He is enough, He should be enough, He is my everything, so on. And honestly, I can't say that I experience that daily. Sure it sounds pretty and is always a good reminder of truth that I should know, but I don't walk in that truth. There have been some recent events that have made me seriously process my relationship with Jesus and how I am no good to Him. I ignore Him, blame Him for my issues, doubt His love, only pay close attention to Him when I need Him....
Who wants to be around someone like that? Jesus does. He could treat me the way I treat Him, but He doesn't and He never will. That's beautiful-amazing-confusing-overwhelming-glorious---that's Jesus.

I was talking with a friend online and as I was typing about relationships and all that good stuff...it hit me. I thought "I want to write vows or acknowledgments" and make promises to God that I am truly ready to stick with Him. While I have already made this decision years ago, I feel that it is appropriate to renew those promises after experiencing the hard times and the good times. After seeing all the things that I have seen and been amazed by the power of Jesus in my life and in the lives of my friends/family. And it doesn't end there! God has even more glorious and wonderful plans for my life and for those who worship Him. He is so good to me. I am a lucky girl.

Twenty-Three

2009-08-25T13:02:00.000-07:00

It's cool to look back at the years that have passed...

22nd birthday (krista and edith came and met my friends!)

My 21st birthday (pool party and night on the town after!)

This is my 20th birthday at Rosco's Chicken 'n' Waffles in Long Beach.

Looking forward to this next year and what my 23rd will bring!

Many are the plans in a (wo)man's heart

2009-08-14T14:54:00.000-07:00

There are many things that I desire. There are many things that I plan for.
Lately, both of these have been changed/destroyed/altered in some way (in their various forms). It's been hard to figure out how to "not plan" when I literally plan each day (whether I say my plans out loud or keep them to myself...I am constantly making plans!)

During a prayer time last week, I felt God saying "See the plans that I am making for you. You've made all these "plans" and yet mine are/will be so much greater because my love for you is great. Trust me with the plans I have for you". It was a rich time with God. I cried because it's difficult to trust that He is making any plans for me, but especially the good/prosperous ones (see Jer. 29:11 below).

Among many things, I desire for my "lives" to mix ( for all my close friends to know/interact with my friends here in South LA). I made plans a while back to use my birthday as an excuse to gather everyone and now it's just not working out. It's really not that big of a deal (birthday's aren't HUGE things for me) but it's the fact that this is yet another plan that isn't working out. Having a birthday in late August is hard because it's a busy time of the year for schools (work is gearing up for 3,000+ students moving back to campus) and for friends that work with other school organizations (especially with IV and taking classes themselves). Now with my Servant Partners schedule getting a little more full, it's even harder. Plans FAIL. But there's always next year, right?

The plans that I make aren't bad, and they are made with every good intention in mind. And yet God still changes them. I'm still learning to "be as a red vine" and be flexible, but it's a daily challenge for me. I searched for the word "plans" in the bible gateway online and there is a long list of scripture dealing with planning/plans/etc. Maybe I should study these? hmm..

¹¹ "But the plans of the LORD stand firm forever,
the purposes of his heart through all generations." Psalm 33:11

²¹ "Many are the plans in a man's heart,
but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails." Proverbs 19:21

¹¹ "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

I'm praying that God would help me in allowing Him to be in control of all my plans and of my entire life. Also that I would find joy in seeing Him plan instead of planning myself.

American Studies Article

2009-08-11T15:11:00.000-07:00

It's been over a year since I graduated from college and most times, when people ask what my degree was, they are very confused when they hear one of my majors was American Studies. Usually the look on their face can only be described as a look that says, "What the heck IS American Studies??" When I was in school my answer usually consisted of "It's like mixing anthropology, American history, and sociology into one major". That usually did the trick because those are all relatively known (and recognizable) majors.

I am not asked this "What's you major question" as much since I'm not in college any more. But every once in a while the subject does come up and I always find myself in the same cycle of trying to explain and help people to understand that the heck American Studies is.

Well, I feel like the following New York Times article is a perfect example of how the mind of an American Studies major thinks. Now, I don't know if the author graduated with the AMST degree...but the thought process is very similar to the classes that I remember taking at CSU Fullerton. I thoroughly enjoyed what this author had to say.

If this were a class, I'd ask you what you thought? Have you seen "Funny People"? Do you agree with the author? What does this mean about the politics of America and how they relate to the types of movies being made today?
NYT: Unfunny Truth

In a somewhat related note: this article, "Spoon-fed Cinema" is also very interesting and I recommend it! My favorite quote:

"If you want to make a mature film for mature audiences, make sure it's a cartoon".

I love American Studies!

The Daily Show

2009-07-14T21:05:00.001-07:00

Clip from an episode that I thought was so funny. Oh Jon Stewart...

Hello Hurricane

2009-07-14T15:54:00.000-07:00

Just another reason to absolutely love Switchfoot.

"Hello Hurricane acknowledges the storms that tear through our lives...this album is an attempt to respond to those storms with an element of hope, trying to understand what it means to be hopeful in a world that keeps on spinning." - Jon Foreman

Concert this summer, August 5th.

If you would like a sample of a new song, some fans posted this video on YouTube:

Cambiar & Descansar

2009-07-01T22:39:00.000-07:00

It's President Obama's entire campaign, it's something loose in your pocket, it's something that is always happening. It can be good, it can be bad, and other times it's something that gets you from one place to another. Change. It has never been my friend. I'm a person who enjoys the constants in life, but rarely do I get to indulge in such a delicacy. For me change is actually the most constant part of my life (ironic much?).

There is a Ben Folds song called "Still" and it's from a kids movie, but I think it captures the mood I'm hoping to convey: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bvoKHFAYHw8

Some lyrics in particular, that stick out to me:

"Its only change, its only everything I know. "

"Even the stars above, things that seem still are still changing"

I've dealt with some pretty big changes that happened so quickly and I didn't realize it until tonight. I met the children that my father now lives with as well as their mother (his girlfriend), my brother moved to an apartment in San Fransisco and has yet to find a job, I became a second year in Servant Partners, relationships in my friends lives have been changing, my job has become very stressful and exhausting, etc, etc...

While some of these are normal parts of life and happen to each of us at certain points in life, I can't help but wonder: Is there anything constant?

And the only true answer is God. He is constant and His love is never ending. But I don't always feel that and I'm not always aware of just how constant He is for me. All I seem to be able to remember are all the ways my life has been changed, plans disrupted. Meeting my dad's second, third, and fourth girlfriends were each changes in an ever-changing family my dad keeps trying to create. My mom moving into another house that isn't her own and being by herself, my brother moving to San Fransisco, working full-time hours compared to my half day student working days...all changes.

Each comes with their own challenges and struggles, and each leaving their own scars or markings for me to remember what I've been through. Some I would like to forget and others I hold on to because I know they made me better and stronger just by experiencing them.

The last few weeks have really done a number on me both physically and emotionally. I feel like I have been running ragged without knowing how to stop or how to ask for help really. I've been too busy to even plan a sabbath. Each time I "set aside" time to rest or spent time in the Word, something comes up and I am unable to find rest. At night I find myself looking for an escape, for a way to make my brain turn off and rest because I'm so tired and can't seem to fall asleep. I'm sad to say that it hasn't always been prayer or God that gets me to sleep. Sometimes it's other things, like LOST. I've fallen asleep to that show each night for the past two weeks. And that's not the kind of rest my soul is longing for, but it helps my mind to stop thinking about my day and allows me to fall asleep. I do believe that TV is a way that I experience joy and gives my mind a break from real-life, but I also know that the rest my soul needs is rest in Jesus' hands, in the Word. I'm in need of God's peace to flow through me and refresh me.

Today I am taking the morning to pray and reflect, read the Word, and just be. This is all a process that I'm on to figure out how I find rest and ways to practically live them out. I can't say that I have it all set now or that I will in the near future. But I know that I'm hopeful about where God is teaching me lessons on sustainability and constantly being dependent on His strength rather than my own.

Change is a good thing and makes life challenging and interesting. But we cannot let the challenges (changes) determine how we live out healthy rhythms of life. Work will be stressful for a while and then it will calm down. Relationships will change and each day will be different than the last. We may be unemployed or over-worked, busy or available, thriving or struggling, but throughout everything, we must cling on to Jesus and fully depend on Him for strength, provision, guidance, and rest.

2009-06-24T22:41:00.000-07:00

SP Summer break..

Making decisions is hard. Letting people down is hard. Feeling like I keep making the wrong decision all the time is hard.

The last two weeks have been exhausting and it doesn't look like the train is slowing down any time soon. God give me rest and refreshment.

what break...?

Gather to Scatter: Community

2009-06-09T23:05:00.000-07:00

This has been a theme for me this week as the now SP alum graduated and I became a 2nd year in Servant Partners. At this weekend's graduation I was reminded that some will be leaving, moving on to other things in other cities, states, and countries. I am reminded that my class and I have only one year together before transition will happen yet again. Some will remain, some will move on to the other things and other places God calls them.

This past weekend, my closest friend here in LA went back home for a time with family. And although I know she'll be back in a week, I can't help but be reminded of the limited time I have with her and the family God has blessed me with this past year. I've become so bonded to my friends here and it pains me to think that in a year, God might change it all.

After church on Sunday, I was mourning what hasn't even happened yet. I was mourning a loss: the transition of community and friendships that will change...in just a year. I still find myself asking, "Why God? Why have you given me such a deep love for this community, if you are going to call us apart from each other?" That is still a topic that I am wrestling with and trying to hear from God about. I think this emotion is also deepened by my past community's transition out of college and apart from one another. Many tears and long hugs later, I'm still dealing with transition and God's call to bring us together in community and then send us out among the nations. I am hoping that God blessing me with his love for my class will help me to enjoy this next year even more, taking in all I can from the time we have together. All this to say, God gives us what we need in the time that He knows we need it. He knew that in my transition out of college I needed my teammates, roommates, my accountability partner, and friends to speak to me and challenge me. Through them I have seen God's character in a light that I might not have been able to see without their voices speaking into my life.

Don't miss what God is doing in your life or the people God has placed in your path, because you never know how long you have with them before you are called away to another community/city/country. But praise God that He has promised that He will gather his people that have been scattered:

"Hear the word of the LORD, O nations; proclaim it in distant coast lands: 'He who scattered Israel will gather them and will watch over his flock like a shepherd."

In Jeremiah 31:10, we see that God will bring us all together and watch over us like a shepherd to his flock. Community is not pointless or meaningless; it is meant to sharpen and refine us, making our faith stronger and our love for one another richer. Thank you Father, for community and for the people you place in my life to sharpen me and show me that I have love and that I am loved.

2009-06-05T12:27:00.000-07:00

God is Good, all the time...and all the time God is good. Lately, this has been what has gotten me through my days. The past few months I've been dealing with some heavy issues (as you can see if you scroll down a ways). Two in particular stand out as a theme God has been bringing up in me:

Trust and Love of God
Finding joy amidst suffering

Tomorrow I will be delivering a talk at the Servant Partners Graduation & Commissioning Service about these very issues. I'm excited to share but also feeling nerves about delivering this word to not only my class and the second years, but their parents and the entire SP staff team as well. (yikes).

I do struggle with hearing God's voice and feeling like He speaks to me, but through this talk God has really guided me and spoken to me in His soft whisper. Just last night, I felt like He was telling me to encourage my roommate and pointing out to me how the word I have for Saturday has meaning to the people who will hear it. He was also quick to remind me that this is a word from Him for His people. And how gracious that He gave that to me. This is the first time I've received such a gift from God so clearly. I will post up my talk after tomorrow when it's truly finalized and spoken to it's originally intended audience.

Prayers for confidence and trust that God will speak through me and through my nerves are always welcome. I'm so grateful for all your support through prayer!

April Update

2009-04-29T09:49:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since my last update. Sorry for my neglect.

JOB: I've been hired by the central USC Housing office with no plans to move me back and forth again. This is the original location I worked as a temp and I am now working the same job but with full-time benefits and more pay per hour. Since working this job full-time, I've realized that I'm going to be a full-time worker for a long time! This is a blessing but also overwhelming some mornings. To be honest, I still wake up as though I were in college and think about the consequences of "calling in sick" and sleeping some more. Thankfully God doesn't let that happen and always wakes me up in time for me to arrive on time and complete another full day of work.

SERVANT PARTNERS: Things have been going alright. We're continuing in our year-long study of the book of Luke each week. We've finally reached Chapter 20!! I'm learning just how powerful Jesus is and what power through His spirit I've been given to share my testimony with my neighbors to give God the glory that's His. There is one neighbor that I see each time I walk home and he is quick to say hello and ask about my day. I've always been a little timid around him because I didn't want to give him the wrong idea...but yesterday I stopped and chatted with him on his porch. He's a great guy and I hope to get to know him better and share my love for Jesus with him so that he will love Jesus as well. My household is trying to reach out to our neighborhood more and be in prayer for the things we see and the people we run into.

LISA: We can praise God that she is eating and breathing on her own! She gained some mobility in her arms and has even wiggled a toe! But this process is extremely slow and difficult for someone so independent as Lisa is. So while God is worthy of our praise for what He's already done, now we need to pray for her spiritual life and walk with Jesus. Please pray for faith, patience, and joy among such hard life challenges and struggles. She needs Jesus to be present with her and to know He hasn't left her and loves her always, no matter what state her body is in. Faith...we could all use more faith. Lord we believe, help our unbelief.

I think that's about it for April. I will try sending out more updates in the future!

Make up your mind USC!

2009-04-02T15:05:00.000-07:00

Temp job in Main Housing office --> extension -->interview for another position in Housing at Parkside (Not Main office) --> 2nd interview --> Job offer for the position at Parkside -->Work 1 1/2 days at Parkside -->transferred back to Main housing office.

The above diagram is bizzarre right? Well, this is a simple diagram of my experience trying to get a job with USC Housing. If you're confused about the above let me try to explain: Most know that I was temping at USC Main housing office since December 2008. One of their full-time employees transferred to another department and left an empty position. I thought, "this is my chance!". After several months of talking with my supervisor and waiting patiently for the position to open, I saw that another position opened in another USC Housing location on campus. So I applied believeing that eventually the position in the Main Housing office would open. Turns out that the other Housing position moved just a little bit faster and hired me hours after my second interview. Exciting right? I emailed all my friends and family (you guys!) and was very excited about finally having full-time work at USC!

Yesterday was my "first day" and most of it was spent filling out paperwork and waiting for the payroll guy to enter all my information. I even forgot my passport to prove that I could work and had to ride the bus back home and bring it back before they allowed me to "work". So the rest of the day was spent talking with my new supervisor and getting to know my co-workers. Then, around 3pm, my new supervisor says "Who knows if you're staying here...they opened the other position at the Main housing office and Maria (old supervisor) is fighting to get you back". WHAT? Crazy timing right? We've waited literally MONTHS for the position to open, and on my first day elsewhere it opens and I have supervisors fighting for my employment with them?!

So this morning, on my second day in Parkside, my boss tells me they are meeting to discuss what my future with Housing is...and by the time I got back from lunch, he told me "We have a verdict...You're going back". Yes...that's right. You read that correctly. I am going back to the Main Housing office to be a full-time employee in my original position at USC. ..

This week has been pretty crazy. After 6 months of hearing "We're going with someone else" or "You don't have enough experience", I had two positions asking for me. It feels very good. And all the credit goes to God. I swear I couldn't have done this on my own in any regard. God blessed me with the temp job opportunity, God arranged the timing to work out so that they would have an opening even during a hiring freeze ----> All point to God! And I'm so thankful for His provision to me in this time. It's true that if we wait upon the Lord our strength will grow.

NEWS: Lisa is doing better, but still unable to move her arms or legs. She is breathing on her own and able to communicate now with her voice (Praise God!). She's being transported to a rehab facility soon and we're all praying continually for her healing. If you also could pray that her insurance would pay for the past 3 weeks she's spent at Cedars Sinai as well as help with the rehab that would be wonderful. We need God to show up for her and Eric financially now too! God is good and my class continues to pray for her as well as things going on in our community and households.

Let me know if there is anything I can pray for you! I've grown so much in my prayer life and I would love to support you through my prayers if you would like. May God bless you and the things you are doing in your life.

Peace and Love <3>

2009-03-19T23:05:00.000-07:00

This has been one of the most emotional weeks that I have experienced in my young adult life. My mom used to call me "her rock" because when she would cry, I would hold it all together. I used to think that crying was a sign of weakness and would put every effort towards never crying or being weak.

I have cried each night this week............During the day, I'm perfectly fine. I go to work, I ride the bus, talk with my co-workers about whatever topic interests them, come home and realize that I'm still waiting for something to happen. I'm still waiting for Lisa to be completely healed, I'm still waiting for the day that I'll get to see her, I'm still waiting, waiting, waiting. I'm actually alright in the evening as well. I have my roommates to speak with and cook dinner with, etc. But it's when I lay down on my bed that my mind really begins to run. That's when I break down. It's in my weakness that I cry, but not in the same way that I used to think of weakness. I am recognizing that I am weak before a powerful God. I am reminded that He is in control and that I can do nothing but pray and cry out to Him. He has shown his mercy to me by putting me to sleep after crying, and that's His grace for me...rest in Him.

All that to say, that amidst all this craziness, I had a job interview. I had my first interview about three weeks ago, and last week I received an email about being put into the next round. I then emailed about my schedule and the time constraints on thursday evenings (the job was for 11am-8pm and I have Luke Study at 7pm on Thursdays). But I didn't hear anything for a week. I figured the job wasn't going to be mine because of this constraint and let it go. But yesterday (Wednesday) I got a call from the HR lady at USC letting me know they were ok with my schedule and were still very interested in interviewing me for the position. So I interviewed this morning...and around 4:50pm I got a call saying that I was being offered the position. .... ....yes, you read that correctly, I was offered a full-time position at USC at 4:50pm on Thursday March 19th, 2009. Praise God for His gracious timing and adundant provision for my life. I had only one more week as a temp and then my job was ending. Now I have a full-time position! While it's hard to really celebrate and experience all the joy that comes with getting my first, real adult, full-time position...I know God has blessed me with this and I know that when I get to tell Lisa, she will be my cheerleader once again.

I feel like I have grown up so much in this week. I feel like I pray differently because my relationship with God has changed so much in the last 7 days. It seems only fitting that I would end this week with a grown up job. Thank you Jesus, that you teach us and grow us in your perfect timing.

Please continue to pray for Lisa's healing and recovery. We will not give up or relax our efforts to life her up in prayer and expect good and wonderful things from God. He is our strength when we are weak, He is our power when we are powerless, and our comfort when we are hopeless. Here is a Psalm that has been on ths blog for many months in the past and has been given to many interns in this time of prayer and as our class is reaching out for God:

As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, my God. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. Where can I go to meet with God? My tears have been my food day and night, while people say to me all day long "Where is your God?" These things I remember as I pour out my soul: how I used to go to the house of God under the protection of the Mighty One with shouts of joy and praise among the festive throng.

Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God.

My soul is downcast within me; therefore I will remember you from the land of the Jordan, the heights of Hermon- from Mount Mizar. Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls; all your waves and breakers have swept over me.

By day the Lord directs his love, at night his song is with me- a prayer to the God of my life.

I say to God my rock, "Why have you forgotten me? Why must I go about mourning, oppressed by the enemy?" My bones suffer mortal agony as my foes taunt me, saying to me all day long, "Where is your God?"

Why, my soul, so downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God.

Psalm 42

I pray that we are all crying and praying out to God, in times of praise and festive throngs, but also when our souls are downcast. I will yet praise my Savior and my God!

One weekend can change so much...

2009-03-16T22:41:00.000-07:00

Four Days. It’s only been four days and yet it seems like weeks, months, years have passed since this all began. My mind keeps bringing me memories of the past: the recent Luke study when we sat next to each other… all the times we drove together in my car to our weight watchers meeting... or all the times that Lisa pushed me to grow or do something challenging. In the past couple months Lisa has been woven into my life in such a way that I feel confused and disoriented looking at what it’s like not seeing her. Sure there were days when we didn’t see each other, but I think about Lisa all the time! Every time I eat something I know I shouldn’t or when I want to talk about how difficult it is to eat healthy in South LA, she would pop into my mind because I knew eventually I would have to tell her what I did.

Lisa is my weight watchers buddy/food accountability partner, and every Sunday we discuss our past weeks and our food struggles, victories, and questions about how to approach upcoming food situations. To the regular outsider, it may seem as though we are a little too obsessed with food talk. But not to Lisa and I. This is our life, we think about food and battle against it with each bite. She understands what it’s like to be in my brain when someone says “It’s a party, there will be tons of food there and you should come!” or “We’re having pizza for dinner!” when no one else does.

Lisa has been my cheerleader and companion from the moment we walked into our first weight watchers meeting. At first I hated the meeting we went to because the people were crazy and the leader was ever crazier. But as the weeks went on, and Lisa and I continued to attend, we both grew to love our group. We knew the personalities that would show up each week and would miss someone if they weren’t there that week. We would even discuss the guy who lost 100+lbs and now works there. I hated the fact that he was there when we started, but Lisa went to him and weighed in without any hesitation. Now I finally see what she saw in him and go to him as well to get my updated weight.

Lisa is always challenging me to be better, to push harder, and endure new levels of growth. Even now as she is going through probably the hardest time in her life, I find her still pushing me and challenging me. You see, each week she wants me to talk in our weight watcher meeting to the whole group. Mind you there are about 50+ people at this meeting and they are fine without me sharing. But Lisa has always wondered what it will take for me to speak up more. While I didn’t attend this past weekend, I think I will go this upcoming week…and for Lisa, I will share in front of the group. Lisa, you continue to push me and challenge me. I miss you very much.

But I am going to continue in my battle with food because when you are healed and we are able to see one another again, I don’t want the first thing out of your mouth to be “What have you been doing?? I haven’t been paying for you to gain have I?”

Lisa, you are in my prayers and thoughts each day. God is with you and has used you to bless me so much in my time here in South LA. God is going to bring His glory to this situation; I have faith in a good and loving God. I will wait upon the Lord, to see you dance, walk, and exercise with me again (however that looks, I can't wait to do it again with you by my side). I miss you my food companion…I miss you very much my friend.

Lent...40 days of Continued Prayer and Fasting....

2009-02-25T14:30:00.000-08:00

"Life is funny." At a recent meeting a friend and I went to, this phrase was shared for when things don't always go the way we planned them to go. Life is indeed, funny. At Church of the Redeemer, we have all been participating in a church-wide "40 Days Prayer and Fasting". I'm sure I've mentioned it before. As a church, we want to be seeking God for wisdom, faith, and guidance for where God wants the church to be and what He wants us to be doing in LA. For our Servant Partners intern class we have also been using this time to prepare ourselves for an intense time of very focused ministry and outreach to the community around us. Kevin basically told us that every moment should be spent outreaching and in ministry mode, at least for the next 6 months. So it makes sense that we would need this time to prepare our hearts and our bodies so that we are in top form to do the things we came here to do! With all that said, those 40 days are ending this Saturday. But the most ironic part of this whole time for me is that for the past 3 years, my family and I have participated in LENT. This year it just so happens to begin tonight. So as one time of prayer and fasting ends, another one begins....

I had never really known or understood what LENT was about, or why we even call it lent. I looked it up on the ever knowledgeable Wikipedia. According to the site, "In the late Middle Ages, as sermons began to be given in the vernacular instead of Latin, the English word "Lent" was adopted. This word initially meant "Spring" (as in Dutch lente) and derives from the Germanic root for long because in the Spring, the days visibly lengthen." Interesting stuff. As I read this article today at my desk, I thought how silly that I had participated in this tradition for several years and never knew what it really was or what it was that I was participating in. Now that I have experienced the Redeemer 40 days of prayer and fasting I have a personal context for understanding LENT. I'm very grateful because the 40 days leading up to Christ's Resurrection can be a time to be focused on why I call myself a Christian, why I followed Jesus into the inner city, and why Jesus is my Lord and Savior.

This year for lent, I decided to give up watching stuff online (mostly on hulu.com) after 8pm. I know that sounds silly and not challenging, but honestly this will be difficult for me. I have become dependent on putting something on so that I can fall asleep at night. This tends to be a counter-productive activity though. You see, sometimes I put something on (like the Daily Show with Jon Stewart) that keeps me awake and makes me watch another, or something else. Last night I stayed up past 12 midnight and then couldn't go to sleep until 1:30 because stuff I heard outside and a bunch of other factors. All that to say that I will not be watching anything past 8pm (online) and instead will focus on depending on Jesus to help me fall asleep.

Also, my cell phone no longer rings (speaker is broken and only the vibrate option is functional) and Jesus has been waking me up and providing me with other means of an alarm in the morning...so why wouldn't I trust Him who wakes me to also put me to sleep?? Jesus is good and faithful and I want to fully trust in Him for all my needs (even going to sleep).

God of this city, God of these people...There is no one like our God.

2009-02-20T12:38:00.000-08:00

Hello Friends!

This past week has been very interesting for me. I've been growing in areas of my life that I didn't realize I needed growth in and it's been a great time with God. In church we were challenged to make the Bible real in our lives and explore it to see what it has to say. I was challenged to read at least one Bible story a day this week and let me tell you...that book is filled with some of the craziest stories and people I've ever read. God is indescribably Glorious and merciful to His people. Just last night I was reading about Samson and Delilah. I'm still working through those two and their story....

I've also been setting aside some time each day to just sing worship songs and pray to God. One night this week, while I was praying I heard Jeremiah 5:17. I was praying for the rise in gang activity in our area. We've noticed lots of tagging about the gangs on 27th and as I've walked to the bus each morning and after work I noticed some more on 30th down La Salle. I was praying for strength and wisdom as I walk down the street as well as for fear to be far from me. Fear is not what should motivate us. Fear is not of God. I'm not sure what God is trying to communicate to me through this passage and the whole chapter of Jeremiah 5 but I know it's something because I keep hearing different verses within that one chapter as I pray.

God is working here in this city. God is at work in Los Angeles. God is at work here in me.

If you could pray for the gang activity on our block and for these gangs to either be saved or to leave. Pastor Kevin recently told our SP class: pray for the evil to leave. Either for the evil to leave them and for them to find Jesus or for these gangs to just leave our city. Personally, if you could pray for me to not act out of fear or run away but to instead follow God where He leads me, even when I'm fearful...pray that God would give me boldness so the gospel spreads through to the people that need Him most!

In Control

2009-02-06T14:57:00.000-08:00

Last night I was asked to decide which of the following two I struggle with the most: God's Sovereignty over my life or God's character that accepts my failures and loves me abundantly. At first it felt like a trick question, but once I asked for an explanation of the question in the context of our Luke passage (the bleeding woman and the daughter of Jairus) I think I got a better understanding of what the question was truly asking.

At times I struggle with the idea that God loves me abundantly because I have a hard time loving myself, so I struggle with the idea of being loved the way God loves me. But I had an even harder time with the idea that God's in control. Sure sometimes it's nice to be able to say that God's in charge and the responsibility is lifted from my shoulders. But other times I want to be in control. I find myself questioning His control when things don't "go" the way I planned them to. My current job experience is a great example of my struggle in this area.

For the past 5ish months I have had job opportunities come up from nowhere and then be taken away in the blink of an eye. And these places were TV production companies, design studios, etc. The types of places that I went to school to work for! Sometimes I even got second interviews because they liked me enough to bring me back. All to in the end, just receive an email, letter, or phone call letting me know that they went with someone else or decided not to hire anyone for the position anymore. And now I'm temping at USC which is where I've been wanting to work ever since moving to LA. Upon learning that they pay for Grad school (and the fact that I've worked in a University environment before) makes this job seem like the ultimate job. But I slowly feel it slipping away. Today was almost my last day. Literally two days ago I thought it would be my last week. Thankfully I asked my supervisor in the office if the full-time position would be opening (Budget cuts=hiring freeze at USC and difficulty getting them to open a much needed position in the department). She said that looked hopeful but still not guaranteed. After that I began planning where i would start looking for another job. But thankfully she said "But Friday isn't your last day! Oh God no...we still need you around."

My contract has been extended until March 27th...while this is a great thing (because money is short for everyone now). I still feel the feelings of frustration with God though. I find myself asking "Why are you teasing me?" Why bring me to this job and then keep prolonging it, if I'm not going to get it?" It's actually because of this logic that I had a pretty positive attitude about the whole thing up until a week or so ago. Seems like everyone around me has had a pretty rotten attitude. I was actually told straight up "They aren't going to open it up...budget's tight." I was shocked! Thanks for all the support and encouragement. (note the sarcasm).

But through all this I'm learning that God doesn't tease us. He's not that mean. He is teaching me something that is important and with time I'll figure out what it is specifically. But until then, I keep praying and hoping this (or another) full-time job comes...in this economy I just want some job security (if it still exists) and to no longer be labeled "temp" of the office.

God has good plans for me, and I'm really beginning to believe that in my heart and know it's true. God loves us and wants to see us grow and not hold us back for any reason.

I liked how The Message said Colossians 1:10-12:

As you learn more and more how God works, you will learn how to do your work. We pray that you'll have the strength to stick it out over the long haul—not the grim strength of gritting your teeth but the glory-strength God gives. It is strength that endures the unendurable and spills over into joy, thanking the Father who makes us strong enough to take part in everything bright and beautiful that he has for us.

Amen.

The Sound of Silence...

2009-01-27T10:20:00.000-08:00

This past weekend was the 1st years first SP Retreat. Leading up to the retreat I had many expectations for the weekend. My background in Intervarsity has given me some ideas about how retreats/conferences go: Worship, sermon, seminars, lunch-breaks, more worship, seminars, games and good times. I always loved those conferences so I was looking forward to spending some time with God and having fun with my teammates. God, however, had different plans for me weekend.

Since we live in such a busy and chaotic city, Servant Partners figured that we needed a rest. Which sounded great! We were also told to bring games and sports stuff for when we had some "down" time so I expected some fun bonding time with my teammates. . .

The first night we practiced silence and just experiencing God for 5 minutes. It was good because normally I can't control my thoughts and distract myself. But this time I repeated "Jesus" every time I needed to focus and let go of the thought. It was a great way to begin the retreat. Then Saturday was a day spent in silence. The first part of the morning we had personal time and we were told that if we need to sleep then we are free to do so. I took some time to write then slept for an hour or so. After lunch we fasted from talking. Five hours we were expected to not talk to anyone (not even staff), not make loud noises as we walked, to walk slowly, etc. At first this sounded great. Just resting and spending time with God. But that proved to be very difficult for me. I didn't hear anything from God and started to feel anxious because I just wanted to talk to someone! In the evening I heard the worship band practicing for Sunday's service and I sat outside the doors singing along with them because I needed some noise in my head and I knew worship music was exactly what I needed.

Sunday was more time alone but instead of dwelling on not hearing from God I asked for prayer. I wanted to hear God's voice and to know that He was with me. I felt better after we prayed but still not completely alright.

After that I went to Starbucks to get away for a little bit with some other interns and for the first time that weekend I felt God's presence with me. I felt at peace and a joy that could only come from God. If I had to describe it I would say it's like I was holding my breath all weekend and finally on Sunday...I took in a fresh breath of Jesus. I began writing and I got a "poem" in my mind based of John 10 passage. It's at the bottom of this post.

But all that to say that God is really working at some difficult issues in my life and what I'm learning as I go through the process is that I need to have patience to wait upon Him, faith to know that I am seen by Him and loved, and confidence in His plan and purpose for my life. For all our lives.

The Shepherd Remains

He is the Good Shepherd
Who knows His sheep

Jesus Knows me
I am His sheep
Jesus knows me
He is my shepherd

He knows my thoughts
and I know His voice

He speaks and I listen
He commands and I follow

He loves when I don't deserve it
He doesn't run away or abandon me
He remains.

When I feel like giving up.
He remains
When I neglect him or ignore His words
He remains
When I'm angry and bitter
He remains
When I fail and fall to my knees with nothing else to give

He remains. His love remains.

40 Days

2009-01-19T18:26:00.000-08:00

This week begins Church of the Redeemer's "40 Days of prayer and fasting" time as the church begins a new year and tries to hear the voice of God and do His will in the city. Please keep my team, myself, and the city of South Los Angeles in your prayers as we discern where God is leading us and who He wants us to be in relationship with over the next year and a half of our internship.

Over the weekend we heard some great testimony about God working in the lives of the Second Year interns and how beautiful it is to sacrifice our lives for the sake of the Kingdom. I pray that I have the courage to speak the Gospel boldly and experience a relationship like the one they testified to this weekend. I pray for trust and openness. I pray against the enemy who doesn't want any of it to happen. I pray against fear and lies whispered in my ear. I pray to be more holy and live a life that is pleasing to my Father in Heaven. Amen.

1 Peter 1:14-16 "As obedient children, do not conform to the evil desires you had when you lived in ignorance. But just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do; for it is written: 'Be holy, because I am holy.' "

Thank you for your prayers. I promise updates will be coming soon. Jesus is working in me and through my class of SP!

2009 Update so far...

2009-01-08T11:30:00.001-08:00

It's 2009. Nearly 8 days into the year. There's so much to update you on. Most has happened in the last 24 hours, which is pretty amazing.

1. I was just informed that I have been FULLY FUNDED for my $4,000 due to Servant Partners. It's a miracle because I had so much left to pay and now I'm done! I don't need to fundraise anymore! Whew. Now I can just update all my supporters and let them know what's going on without having to let them know I'm still fundraising. Such a blessing to me as well because in exactly one week I was having to make my first payment towards my fund (Jan 15th was my due date). To all my supporters, both financially and prayerfully, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I am so blessed to have a community of friends, family, and interns who show their love for me in so many ways. I continue to pray for you and for God's hands to be working in your lives as well!

2. There's a real possibility that I might have an interview for my current temp job at USC Housing. One of our staff is moving to a different department and they will be needing someone to fill the position. However, since USC is in a year-long hiring freeze, my boss has to ask for permission to open it up for interviews. I'm hoping to get the chance to just interview and take it from there...

3. I'm giving my first Sermon this coming Sunday. At first I was nervous but now I'm getting more and more excited. I just pray that my words would be of God and that I would accurately preach His word to my audience. (My mom's coming!).

4. I've been struggling with wanting to be home with my mom, in Fullerton with my close friends, and not here in South LA. Thankfully God reminds me of the call He has given me to submit my desires to His will and I know He's already done amazing things for me while I'm here and I'm sure the next year and a half will have so much more. A friend and I were chatting and she made this awesome analogy (God gave her this image which is perfect for how we're feeling). College and all the things we want to have again from our friends and family are like old shoes. They fit in all the right places, we know when to wear them so our feet don't hurt, they are familiar and comfortable. SP is like the a new pair of shoes (that I bought a size too big to make sure it would fit as my feet grew when I was little). They hurt and give me blisters, and they are too big right now. But I can't go back to the old ones because my feet won't fit in them anymore. Sometimes I like the way these news one look on the outside, but when I put them on it's painful to walk. I'm wondering when will these new shows feel like old ones...?

Prayer Requests: For the chance to interview for this full-time job at USC. Also for God to speak to me clearly about whether or not this is the job He wants me to have or if I should continue looking. Also that I would have discernment and obedience to follow wherever He leads me.

Also for the interns who are looking for a job still and for others starting over after their temp job has ended. Please pray with me that they would be hired this month!

And also that I would continue to grow into my "new shoes" and see clearly why I'm in South LA and what purpose God has for these growing pains. I know God is good and I ave faith that this will be a life-changing two years (maybe more).

Thanks for reading this long update and for keeping me and my team in your prayers and thoughts. I'm so blessed!

2008-12-25T01:37:00.001-08:00

It's Christmas Eve, around 1:37am and I'm using my brother's laptop while my mom sleeps in the bed next to me. I love to hear the sounds of her snoring. It actually puts me to sleep. my brother and his friend are still awake, playing video games and laughing. It's a nice sound to have in the background. Everything seems like the right mixture for a great Christmas. My family and I are all together and will get to wake up all together in the morning. But what does Christmas really mean? What will make it "the perfect Christmas"? Just having us all together, having decorations or music playing...it's not enough.

I used to be excited about the lights, christmas music playing the background, the decorations put just like I wanted them to be. But this year has been about so much more. Sure there's still lights and a tree. The music still plays in the background. But my family and I have no home to call our own. We are staying with a friend and it's the first time we haven't had the ability to sleep in our own beds. The decorations aren't ones that we put up. It's all different. But this year I'm learning to be more like a licorice (flexible, not twisted and hallow).

This year, my dad (a strong non-believer) went to church with me and my brother (thinks about faith a lot...but not committed either way). It was probably one of the best times in church. I loved having my dad there. My dad needs Jesus because he searches for love and worth in all the wrong things and people, and if he would just find Jesus he would find the meaning of his existence. I pray that they would both find Jesus and experience the joy and life He (Jesus) has blessed me with in following Him...

Even though this has already been a different kind of christmas, one filled with surprises and change, there's one thing that hasn't changed and will always be true of christmas: Jesus left eternity to enter time, He left the comfort of Heaven to be poor here on earth, He took on human flesh just to be mocked and killed by the very people He came to save. Christmas is about Jesus and His coming to us, in our broken and sinful place to be with us and love us. Happy Birthday Jesus, I pray the gifts I offer you are worthy of the gift you have given me and continue to give me each day...forgiveness for my sin and eternal love for who I am right now. Merry Christmas. . .

Quick Thoughts while at work...

2008-12-16T14:49:00.000-08:00

USC is located in an area that isn't safe. This isn't a new fact or idea. The South Los Angeles area has been bad for a while. And instead of wanting a wall around the campus or making those "low-income" people leave, why don't we do something to help?

Every time we see something ugly or hard to face, we can't just "put up a wall" around it and exclude it making our own little world where everything is fine and pretty and easy. Life is messy and sometimes ugly. Jesus came for the messy and ugly to restore, heal, and help... so should we.

Last couple weeks...

2008-12-12T10:53:00.000-08:00

What can I say? Things have been difficult lately...but I worship and love a mighty God who remains faithful to me and to all His people.

I'm now officially at USC Housing (for 2 months) and it's different. After City Hall this job is radically different. There are students all around, red and gold seen for miles, and now I have a headset in my ear. I answer phone calls from students (and parents) about their housing. Things like students wanting to move, hating their roommates, meal plans, contracts, fees, and lots of upset people wanting their way. Tons of students want to move but can't because they signed a contract and we need them to stay (or USC rather, wants their money). It's a constant reminder that being a student is a unique time in life. Where else will you be able to live five minutes from work/class? Or think you can get out of a contract for housing by simply requesting it?

I've only been a non-student for a couple months, and already I want to be a student again. I loved being a student! Who wouldn't? Sleeping in when class is canceled, ditching when you just don't want to go, hanging out with friends pretty much all the time, just enjoying life while learning so much in class. I loved my classes. Most of the anyways. I looked forward to my American Studies classes...i miss them. But, who knows? Maybe one day I'll be a professor of American Studies and teach students about our history, culture, and add my love of entertainment studies into it. I think about teaching classes like "America and the culture of new media" or "Commercials and the American Consumer". That excites me! I'm still trying to figure out what God will have for my future and what He wants me to be....maybe I'll return to Fullerton or USC and teach? Maybe I'll travel to other countries and teach the Gospel? Maybe I can do both...

Although I do miss being a student, I know God called me to LA and Servant Partners for a purpose. I'm trusting His vision for my life and following it wherever He leads me. Through tough times and challenges being in South LA, I've experienced God in ways I couldn't even imagine. So I remain patient and faithful to the call God has for me.

My Time in Downtown LA

2008-12-05T12:16:00.000-08:00

Today is my last day working at City Hall. I have some mixed feelings about it actually. Here's the situation: I got another temp job working at USC in the housing department. It's better hours, closer to home, and better pay. But it's not in downtown which I really love working in. There are so many cool little places to sit and eat lunch, talk to people, and look at things. Working at City Hall allowed me to see downtown in a way that I don't think I would have if not for this job. Plus I really like my supervisor. He is very friendly (though extremely unorganized) and we talk about Pushing Daisies all the time (AWESOME!). But now it's ending. I hope and pray that my new supervisor will get along with me and that I will enjoy my work in the 2 months that I will be there.

I also wanted to share the coolest thing that happened to be because of my City Hall temp job: I work right across the street from the LA Mall (which is partly underground!). A lot of homeless people are there during the busy lunch hour and I have experienced many failures and victories there between 12:45 and 1:45 (lunch). I want to focus on the victories. There are lots of homeless people in downtown, obviously...but I had always just passed by without a though prior to working here day in and day out. That all changed when I began thinking about what I can do or how I can bless them. On this past Tuesday, I saw a lady who could have been homeless, but I wasn't sure. As I walked past her I heard a whisper saying "Can you buy..lunch?" At first I didn't know who said it or if they were asking me. So I slowly turned around and saw her looking at me. I asked "Excuse me? Where you talking to me?" and she shook her head and asked again, "Can you buy me lunch?" I replied, "Of course! Where would you like to go?" And we started walking towards the food area. We had some basic conversation (hi my name is erika, oh my name is victoria...) but all she wanted was food. She was grateful and when I asked if she would eat with me, she said "No...I'd like to go back to my spot". So I asked if I could pray for her before she left. She accepted and i prayed. I prayed thinking I would never see her again.

God had other plans for me and Victoria. A few days later I saw her with all her stuff. She looked a bit confused and lost. I honestly thought about just letting her think I wasn't there because I was fearful. But no, I went up to her and said hello. We chatted for a couple seconds and then i offered lunch once again. This time she accepted me joining her. I had already eaten my leftover lunch but sat with her. I got to hear about her family in Vegas, her history of living in LA and the places she has stayed in, and what places she believes have great food. She knew so much about LA and told me some places I really want to check out now. It was the greatest lunch I had ever had in downtown. We also made plans to meet on Monday and have lunch. I said I would bring her anything she wanted and she simply said "Whatever you bring will be fine".
The next day I got a call from helpmates staffing company. They found me a job at USC and it starts on Monday. Immediately I heard that I would be making 2.50 more an hour, and it's at USC (Where I've been wanting to work this entire time). So I accepted it. Once I told my supervisor at City Hall, I was sad. I was sad because my job at City Hall was comfortable and I knew it. I knew the bus routes, I had an entire downtown to explore at lunch, and I enjoyed most of the people I worked with. But the one thing I didn't think about until later that evening was my lunch date with Victoria. Once I remembered that promise and how by accepting this job I have broken my promise. I cried. "Now what do I do? I can't take it back. I can't say forget it and move on. The first time God brings me on the path towards having a true relationship with a homeless woman and it's gone in two days...I asked God why? I asked if I made the wrong decision. Was I too motivated by the income and location to think about my relationship with Victoria? I had job takers remorse. I still do really...but God has taken me out of downtown and into a new job. I start this Monday. I'm nervous but I hope that God gives me another friend.

I will be praying for Victoria and her life on the streets of Los Angeles. If you can, please pray that she is safe and that we can meet once again. This afternoon I wrote her a note telling her about my new job and how I wouldn't be able to have lunch with her but that I'll be praying for her and really enoyed our time together. I hope she got it...

Thank you Jesus for your grace for me when I fail and when I fall short. Thank you for my time with Victoria and the things I learned about reaching out and having an open mind about loving others and how to do that well. I pray this job at USC is the right job for me and that it would allow for another relationship in my life. Thank you that you are God and you see me where I am and meet me there. Thank you Jesus.

"Twilight"-My Thoughts

2008-11-26T14:22:00.000-08:00

So like millions of other people, I saw the movie adaption of "Twilight" with Sandra. Over this summer I had borrowed the books from Ingrid and totally loved them. I constantly said that I wasn't a reader, and yet I was reading 500-600 page books in 2 weeks! I couldn't put them down. When I was interning at GRB Entertainment this summer I would sit in my car on my lunch breaks and read. I read before I went to bed, and I read nearly every free moment I had. When I heard they were making a movie out of the first book (there are a total of 4) I was ecstatic! The main character, Edward Cullen, is such an idealistic male character and I wasn't sure who they would cast to play him in the film. I had a feeling that whoever they cast, it would be a tough role to take on. For those who haven't read the book (or seen the movie) Edward is like every girls fantasy. While the character is believable (as long as you believe Vampires exist in this movie world) and really fun to read...HE ISN'T REAL. There's a tension for me as a fan of both the movie and the books. While I absolutely love Edward, I also know that expecting someone like him to exist in the real world is dangerous.

I went to the final book's release party at Borders in Fullerton this summer and all I saw were crazy teen girls (and their moms) talking about how wonderful Edward is and argueing over who gets to have him. On facebook I saw flair that read "Waiting for my Edward" and "Edward makes your BF look like a dog" etc. etc...This is not healthy! Women: Let's have good expectations for our boyfriends and partners! Men aren't perfect, and neither are we (we all are so far from it).

When I was talking to Sandra about the responsibility of the author to be a voice to her fans I said that I believe Stephenie Meyer is a talented romance/suspense writer, but she also has a HUGE responsibility to know who is reading her books and what messages they are putting out into the world, specifically to young women. When I would study American Studies and talk about themes, hidden messages, and the cultural effect on our society, we would talk about things like this. I'm sure some class, somewhere, with an AWESOME American Studies professor teaching it has had discussions about the culture of "Twilight". My thoughts are this: Stephenie Meyers talks about how the characters are so real to her and all about her writing process (she believes the characters are real in a way that only she can, i guess)...but Mrs. Meyers also need to talk about how once she's written the fictional story reality stops. I wish I would have heard her say something like "I love Edward and loved writing him, but I want all my readers to know that he is fictional and shouldn't be something women expect from their significant others. I have a real argument for how Edward ISN'T perfect (still a great character, but flawed none-the less) and why women need to have healthy attitudes towards men, relationships, and romance.

Ending thought: I love Twilight. I never re-read books and I find myself re-reading these! While I loved reading Edward and Bella's love story and found my heart strings tugged on...once I close the book, the story stops. Edward doesn't exist, Bella doesn't exist, and I am here (existing!). I thank God that He created us with such creative and interesting brains to think of stories and characters like Twilight..but I also thank Him (more so for this) for His ability to give us TRUE LOVE that isn't always beautiful, in fact, most times it's not. But it's real and God blesses us with His true love with each new morning.

Thank you God that you love us, with the kind of love that surpasses all other kinds.

Pushing Daisies

2008-11-24T14:46:00.001-08:00

So this is not important in the long run, bigger picture, world changing way. But you know, I was very upset that ABC decided not to pick up Pushing Daisies for the rest of the season. They made it two seasons and not a full load of episodes for either one. When I found out, I planned a thorough rant (thanks to Bethany I use this word now!) to be posted on this blog. But some days have passed and I decided there are more important things. But that doesn't mean that I am not sad by the emptiness that is my Wednesday evenings at 8pm. I'm crossing my fingers that they at least show us the remaining episodes. Release them on DVD and I'll be happy ABC..ok?

I still might write something about it. I dunno. When I think about the show a lot of thoughts come to mind, things that I want to share with anyone who will listen. ok, I've decided: I'm going to post something in my next posting. Right now I'll get to my updates for the week/Turkey Day weekend!

I spoke with my fellow temp worker this morning in the break room and he gave me some insights into his time here as a temp worker. He has been here for nearly a year as a temp. He says that he basically just shows up and they continue to pay him. Wow! Maybe I'm learning a value for patience and not being in control? God, thank you for the lessons you teach me. But make this a short one? Who am I? God will do whatever He thinks best in my life....i will learn to trust Him.

In her devotional to our group, Sarah spoke about trust and she gave this awesome analogy. And since K.Blue doesn't believe in copyright, I will share it with you now:

Our relationship to Jesus has been said to be like a tightrope walker without a net. We think it's all about trusting that the tightrope walker won't fall with Jesus near him (I might be getting this part off but the general theme is coming!)...but really trust is jumping on the back of the tightrope walker, having no control over the outcome but only trusting that the tightrope walker will get us across. I want to trust like that. Especially in this temp job and in my relationships (both present and future ones).

This posting is random and sort of sporatic...but that's my thought process at the moment. More to come very soon! I'll leave you with this awesome picture from Twilight (yet another posting topic!)

*Real quick: I thoroughly enjoyed this film!!

Blessings and Joy in this Holiday season friends!!

How to Love?

2008-11-14T22:39:00.001-08:00

It's been a long week of temping, not knowing where my job path is really leading me, and missing the familiar things. Two nights ago, I wept with my mom because of lies she was being told and believed about herself for her entire life. My mom firmly believes she is dumb. But I more firmly believe she is NOT. My mom makes me a better person each time I talk with her, laugh with her, learn from her. I want to be half the woman my mother is simply because she is a strong, loving, and amazing mother, woman, human.

I spoke with one of my closest friends tonight and updated her on my life and heard about her ministry with IV and thought about how much effort it takes now to talk to one another when before all it took was walking through our front door. We used to be roommates and could simply come home and spill about the smallest details that filled our days. Now those details are lost in the passing of time. Days or weeks pass and those moments of humor or nostalgia seem insignificant when you only have 20 minutes to update and listen for the updates. I look forward to my conversations with friends from my past because I cherish those friends and the ways they continue to speak into my life...

Tonight we spoke and discussed love. How do we love people well? Our neighbors? Strangers? Each other? Tonight as I was leaving our Luke Study, I felt the overwhelming need to write about LOVE. Most times we think about love in the selfish sense. Where are my needs not being met? How is this person or that person failing to meet a need I have? Questions like: Why don't you listen to me? Or why do I always have to clean? Why do you say those words that hurt my feelings?
Sometimes the conversation is internal: Why does she/he always interrupt me? Why does he/she not look at me when I'm talking?..Don't you know that annoys me?
These are questions I've have often asked myself. But tonight it wasn't about loving ourselves or getting our needs met. . . tonight it was about loving others.

We studied the story of the friends who lift a paralyzed man onto a roof and broke through it so that their friend (the paralyzed man) can be healed by Jesus. They weren't desperate for Jesus to heal their own needs or healing. They didn't come so that their sins would be forgiven. They simply came to have their friend receive Jesus' healing power.

As we drove the four blocks to our house, I couldn't stop thinking about how we should love one another. Instead of getting frustrated at someone for the ways you see them as failing, think about what they need in order to be loved. Not so that they can be proven wrong or you can "teach them" the right ways to act, but ways that allows us to challenge each other and still love our differences. I need to think and act more like this because most times I'm thinking about my needs or how I "should" be treated. We all need to start thinking about ways we can love each other better and still correct or challenge one another to grow and continue to mature. Jesus was never forceful or put someone to shame simply because their ways of living bothered or frustrated him. If so, we would all me put to shame immediately. But He came to us each individually, and challenged us (continues to challenge us everyday) in a way that we still felt loved. We still felt loved.

I felt loved by Jesus for taking me through Manila and all the challenges I faced there. It was difficult and sometimes overwhelming, but I knew that Jesus loved me in the midst of that (at least I know He did after the fact...).

How do we show our love for one another and still challenge? I'm not sure I have the complete answer. In fact, I know that I don't. But I also know that everyone could use a little more love. More understanding of where we are all coming from, what makes us believe certain things or act certain ways. I feel the need to challenge us all (me included) to think about others and their needs more often. Not how I want that person to talk, act, listen, or look...but to love them for the ways they already do talk, act, listen, or look...and begin the process of how to better understand one another as communicators, thinkers, observers, listeners, people, ....friends.

In prepping for our weekend long Dig-in of Luke, I read and am reminded of this passage:

"If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' love those who love them. And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners do that...But love your enemies, do good to them and lend to them without expecting anything back. Then your reward will be great"
Luke 5:32-33, 35

LOVE...

Historical...

2008-11-07T23:38:00.000-08:00

So many things have happened this week...Obama becomes the first black president! As I watched the NBC news coverage of McCain's concession speech and Obama's speech to the thousands of people waiting to see him, I was reminded of the footage I've seen of JFK and how loved he was by America. I want to be more hopeful in America, but I confess that I pray for his safety and his family. I also pray that he is a good president and makes huge decisions correctly. I pray for Obama. I am amazed at being a part of history. People will talk about this election forever, and I can say that I lived to see it. I watched the primaries, watched the hilarious SNL skits, voted, and watched history be made in the White House. As an American Studies major, I'm floored! How awesome for the history of our nation and for the stories I will tell me children (if i have any...) and other generations. Very cool.

The next four years will be different, but I think it's in a good direction. Change has come to America. God have mercy on us, for our past, present, and future. It's a different experience living here in South LA where African-Americans have shown their joy in seeing Obama as president elect. It's a joy that I myself have felt as well, but never on the same level (obviously). It's a new perspective and I'm glad to be living here and experiencing it first hand. I continue to pray for Obama and his family...Change has come!

On a completely different note: Working at a temp job is interesting. I'm wasn't sure how long i was going to be there, but i know that the small income is definitely an answer to prayer. I needed money and God provided me with this temp job that could become more permanent. Who knows? I'm enjoying riding the Metro and DASH bus lines. I hear so many interesting conversations and see people that i might never have seen or interacted with. Los Angeles living is interesting...to say the least.

I really hope that this job become more stable and pays higher eventually. I pray for a job that lasts and isn't temporary. I pray for God's provision.

2008-10-25T12:09:00.000-07:00

It's Saturday morning/afternoon and I just finished cleaning our kitchen. It's pretty cool, because we have a "Chore Day" when we all have a specific cleaning chore to accomplish and we are all doing it on Saturdays! It makes cleaning fun and makes our place cleaner! Double the rewards ;)

I'm also exercising each day to this workout video called "Turbo Jam". It's a cardio workout DVD that Edith brought and has used in the past. It's pretty good, some things aren't too great (like the terrible editing job they did at this one part that always messes viewers up!)...but it's gets the job done. She's really high energy and after several times of pushing through it I'm finally getting the routine down, so that's fun.

2008-10-18T19:00:00.000-07:00

Just hours ago I had my two worlds come together and mix, trying to become a blend of friends and people. And now, in the aftermath of this I am very homesick. This afternoon was Sarah's birthday party and Fullerton people came and servant partners people. This is like both sides of my heart. My past friends with whom I discovered myself with, learned about Jesus, and grew so much with joining the people who I am really beginning to love and enjoy, who I shared my most personal insecurities with and experienced a crazy time in Manila with. Even though things can be difficult and every single thing is new at the moment, I truly have a heart for my team and the things they are about and how they've already begun to change me for the better.

For these two very important groups of people to blend together was excited, overwhelming, and wonderful. It was exciting to see Fullerton people having conversations with servant partners, and playing games together. It brought a warmth to my heart, the feeling of being complete. Finally the two parts of my heart became one...but it had to end with the sun going down. Fullerton people got in their cars and began to drive away and I was left feeling like I was missing pieces of who I am. I don't know if this is too dramatic but tonight feels like a difficult night for me. Missing my best friends and getting just a taste of how my life used to be makes it harder not to be around them. Not all my friends where able to come, but I hope they do eventually so that I can have the pieces of me start to blend together more often.

Fullerton: You will always have some of my all-time best memories and friendships. I love each of you for the pasts that we have had together. I really miss laughing with you, hanging out at yougurtland at midnight after IV, praying with you, reaching out to the campus and evangelizing together. I truly met Jesus in Fullerton and with the people who are now my best and most intimate friends. I don't think these words or any to follow can accurately explain how I feel for you. . . Just one can, and that's love. I love you all.

SP: You are my community now. I have already shared so much with you as my group and I'm glad that you know me in a way that no other group has. I hope to have deep friendships with you and grow as the weeks and months continue and we experience more life with one another. Thank you for the ways that this new community has stretched me and taught me a lot about myself, life, and living communally in Christ. We aren't perfect but we don't expect each other to be. I pray that we would grow in the areas that we struggle in as a community and continue to grow in love and compassion for each other. Thanks to the individuals who have reached out to me and shown me they care for me. I hope to show you the same love that you've shown me. I'm so thankful for the individual conversations we have had and will continue to have. thank you.

In the end, I must bring all my fears, sad moments, struggles, and joys to Jesus. I lay all these things down at Your feet and pray that you would continue to be there when I need, strengthen me when I'm weak, and teach me more about your heart for the poor and for communities like South LA. Jesus you are my ultimate community and friend. I love you Lord, and praise you for what you've done in my life and what you will do in the future...

Reflection in more ways than one...

2008-10-12T21:43:00.000-07:00

This past weekend was our first Luke Dig-in and we spent thursday and friday evening in meetings, all day Saturday and then again today after our church visits in Luke Study...

let me tell you, it was a lot of Luke in one weekend. But some really great things came out of it, both individually for me and for our group as a whole. For me the weekend was semi difficult. We were learning about Zechariah (John the Baptist's father) and how he was muted by the angel Gabriel for not fully believing his prophetic words. I also felt muted on friday evening during our session. No words were coming to my mouth and when I did really want to speak my mind would go blank. I feel like there was definitely some spiritual struggles in that. I prayed with Sarah and cried through that session and even got to share with my roommates later that evening at dinner as well. And I didn't feel that again during the weekend. However, I did feel insecure about the types of things that I would share because they weren't always the most profound things or observations. I felt like the group was moving more towards the "bigger picture" rather than gaining in size, starting small and then reaching the bigger themes after some discussion. But this is not intervarsity. This is an adult learning style and we aren't the same group of people. Everyone in my SP class is so different and yet we gather together and share our lives with one another in a way that's as authentic as it can be. I think there's something beautiful in that.

A continuing theme in my life lately has been learning to hear my shepherd's voice among the many voices of deception and lies that I believe. This has been a struggle of mine for many years, but it's been highlighted in my time in Manila as well as with my SP class. I tend to listen to the lies and believe them as truth more easily than I believe God's truth and listen to His voice speaking into my life. I've been learning how to discipline my ears to hear the words He has for me and I've definitely been blessed. I heard a scripture from Him when I had never gotten a word like that before. Also in one of my "god-times" I was listening to worship music on my computer and I thought "oh maybe I should be silent so that I can hear from God". So I turned off my music and sat for a while praying and then I heard another scripture. I asked if it was really God or just my mind wanting another verse and felt strongly that it was God. So I looked at my Bible to find Psalm 149:

"1 Praise the LORD.
Praise the LORD, O my soul.

2 I will praise the LORD all my life;
I will sing praise to my God as long as I live."

So I immediately turned on my worship music and praised Him like I wanted to in the first place. Little interactions like that have really shown me that if I listen to His voice, I will truly hear it and know what He is saying to me. He wants me to worship Him in the way that will refresh my soul and not the way "everyone" does their quiet-time (which I now call God-time). So it's been very cool to actually interact with God personally more than ever before in my life.

Also, just in case this posting wasn't long enough...I wanted to post some pictures I was looking at tonight that made me think about all the amazing experiences I've had in my life and with some of my best friends throughout college...

Mia and I like second year of college...

my FIRST time to Catalina

Becca and I in Europe 05!

Grisel and I at my first IV Bonfire!

One of my favorite times with Fullerton Spring Con!

Sandra and I after IV summer study 2006!

LAUP team 2006!

Two of the best roommates on a hilarious night! (i love this picture by the way!)

My 21st birthday celebration! TGI Fridays.

Sarah and my "going away" party

And now my new community of friends and roommates in Servant Partners

God has sure blessed me in my life with Him....I look back on my friends and all the experiences I've had and I know that I have been given great friends and wonderful memories. I miss you friends, more than I can write on this blog so late in the evening. But know that I think of you often and can't wait until we can hang out again soon. I love you...

God Speaks!

2008-10-09T10:11:00.001-07:00

Let's just start by saying the God is good. Although this last month has been one the hardest of my life, God has been ministering to me through this time and I have felt all the things that I joined Servant Partners to feel. I wanted to feel closer to God and truly hear His voice for myself. I have always "heard" from God through the voices of my friends or family, but never from my own. Because nearly everything i know or was comfortable with was taken, I was left with God alone. And He came through for me and continues to provide me with His support and for the first time last week, I heard Him. He gave me a verse to share with my SP class during our finances meeting that was encouraging for what we were trying to accomplish as well as a confirmation that He speaks and has a plan for me in these next two years.

I feel as though I am a different person and yet still the same. It's weird. I know that I'm still Erika who doesn't know how to cook or thinks about things too much. But now I am more than that. Now I am Erika who kills bugs without as much fear, thinks about praying more and actually does it, devotes (or tries to) time for me and God to communicate and spend time in our relationship. I have never felt so close to God and I hope this never changes.

While I still don't have a job and my close friends feel far far away, I haven't seen my mom in a while, and my house is still coming together but isn't complete yet...I feel happy and have so much joy in the Lord...

Thank you for all your prayers about our house. We got gas and hot water yesterday and this morning I took my first hot shower in a month! It was wonderful and a blessing from God. Now all we need is a fridge and our house will be on the right track to becoming our home.

My roommates and I are working together and meeting regularly to discuss our issues or listen to one another in our struggles and insecurities. It's an amazing community and while it's far from perfect and tensions have already happened among our class...God is growing us and strengthening our love and trust with one another. My heart is growing for my roommates and my team each day.

Thanks for checking this site! Please continue to check for regular weekly updates (potentially daily depending on the day) as they occur. God bless you wherever you are and whatever God is doing in your lives.

Back from Manila

2008-10-03T13:50:00.000-07:00

I'm back from Manila! I've been back for an entire week now and life didn't stop while I was away. I've been adjusting to the time difference, looking for jobs online, stressing over food (we currently have no stove with working gas and no fridge to store anything), as well as waiting for the rest of my furniture to arrive from Fullerton.

I wish I could just get a truck and u-Haul it over here. Those trucks are sort of expensive and difficult to get...I'm going to try. We'll see what happens.

Prayer Requests: Please pray that me and the rest of my team find jobs very soon because I don't want to get caught in a slump of nobody working and bills getting harder and harder to pay. Food's already expensive and it's difficult to spend my day online and not make any money. Also, I can't find my USB plug with my resume and lots of other important stuff so if you could pray that I find that soon I would love it!

I'll have updates on my trip and my time in South LA very soon....

2008-08-15T09:14:00.000-07:00

I interviewed, I survived, and I'm back in Fullerton. I'm not sure if I got the job or not, but I tried my best and through it all God still answered prayer. Let me explain so I can give Him the glory He deserves...

I was very worried that Manila might be the only reason they didn't hire me. Sure it's a ton of confidence to believe that they would hire me right then and there but whatevs. I'm confident in God and not in myself. I'm confident in the skills and abilities HE has given me and not what I do for myself. So I prayed that Manila wouldn't be a factor in this job process. I didn't want to feel like God provided this job opportunity (through my internship) just to take it away because of His plans (Manila). As much as I want to say I would have just let it go had that been the case, I don't know that for sure. Knowing myself I would have been really angry for a while. But Praise be to God, because Manila didn't even come up in the interview. I was planning on telling her after she asked when I would be able to start but she never did. Good for Manila but not so good for the job. But that's ok. Because now I'll know that Manila isn't part of her decision and I'm good with God. Sure this seemed like a great opportunity, but now I know that God is looking for the best job. Maybe He has to show me these other jobs so that I'll appreciate the one He blesses me with? Hmmm...

We leave for Manila in two weeks and I really can't believe it. We got some paperwork on the trip and what to bring info, etc. and it all became real to me. I'm going to a slum/squatter community. It will be like nothing I've seen before and I know I will be changed when I come back. I know I've been asking for a lot of prayer lately but that's why I have you all on my prayer warriors list! I really appreciate what you all have been doing in my life and I would definitely want to hear if you need pray and partner with you on that as well!

Take Care warriors!

2008-08-13T09:58:00.000-07:00

Now things are going super fast in my life! We just secured housing in South LA and yesterday I ended my internship with GRB. I really loved working there because it felt relevant to my career goals of working in TV. And apparently they liked me working there as well because they sent my resume to this talent agency and I have an interview tomorrow. Yes, that's right...tomorrow! I'm literally freaking out.

One I don't know if Manila will be the deal breaker. I'm praying that it's not and that I can get some grace and be able to train with the girl this next week and until Sept 5th and then come back on Sept 25th...it truly seems impossible but with God NOTHING is impossible.

I'm freaking out. Prayer. prayer.prayer.....

You

2008-08-09T01:05:00.000-07:00

As the time gets closer to when I leave for my journey to South LA I find that life has a funny way of getting crazier before it gets better. I feel like things are very unknown to me and that can be terrifying. But I am trying to search out God and find my comfort and sanity in Him only. I was reminded of the Switchfoot song "You" tonight when I thought about how we all need to find our identities in God alone. Not in our jobs or majors, in our likes or friendships..but in God.
Here are the lyrics to the song as well as a link to a youtube video with the song so you can listen and enjoy what the song is trying to tell you. That's one reason I absolutely love music, because it reminds me of God's communication. It might be the same words and sounds but everyone takes it differently and takes whatever meaning they nee/want to from each song or even scripture, sermon, lesson, etc. God is infinite and is not limited to one meaning in a song that was written for Him and to Glorify Him, which i feel this song is in that category. But listen for yourselves...

"You" by Switchfoot

There's always something In the way
There's always something Getting through
But it's not me it's You
Sometime's ignorance Rings true
But hope is not in What I know
Not in me It's in You
It's all I know

And I find peace When I'm confused
I find hope when I'm let down
Not in me But in You
I hope to lose myself For good
I hope to find it in the end
Not in me
It's You

It's all I know ....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rzSl27pKj6k&NR=1

I pray that tomorrow as my three roommates and I met and pray about our future that we would be reminded of this, that it's not us or what we do But in God alone. God is the reason we do this, we exist, and we have joy in Him. I pray that I never forget that and always praise God that He does hear our prayers and is a God that provides...

"I hope to find that in the end, it's not in me...in You"

By the Grace of God

2008-08-05T13:43:00.000-07:00

My roommates are slowly trickly down to Southern Cali and I'm so excited to meet them. I'm pretty sure that we will be living at the La Salle apartment since Bethany and I were approved!! So Praise God that we finally have a place to live (and it's so close to K. Blue's house!). Now it's all about fundraising (still have about 2,000 more to go) and finding a job. Once those two things are done my stress level will decrease to the normal human amount and I will be able to breathe comfortably :)

Today at my internship (which I'm currently at) I have had one of most stressful and crazy days. I feel like working over this past weekend on the Alter-Eco tv shoot (that's a whole new Oprah posting my friends) that my brain is toast, hence the reasons I'm slipping up more here at the office. I seriously worked on this file report yesterday for like an hour because it was given to me with little time and I had two other's projects going on at the time...so I kinda rushed through it so I could get it done by the end of the day. That was my first mistake. When I came in this morning, the boss who gave it to me said I made mistakes and was a little upset that she would have to fix it. So I offered to help and reluctantly she handed it over to me. I figured this was my chance to make it perfect and show her that if I have more time that I do great work.

So I spent this entire morning (9:45-12noon) working on this excel spreadsheet, making sure all the lines were perfect, the names were correct and EVERYTHING was perfect. I'm so pleased with my work by the end because I've been so detailed and focused on this to show the CEO of GRB! I open my email to send it to her and just before I close it I hit the SAVE button, just in case. Well when I go to attach it to the email......it's not there. It's not anywhere. I look in recent documents, NOTHING. Excel worksheets..NOTHING. I am in a panic. I call the IT department and they can't help me. He leaves basically by saying "Can't you just do it again?". Of course I can do it again, but that means that my work for the last 3 hours has been wasted and the CEO wants it like NOW. With no help in store I drag myself into her office and show her the printed version I have of my work but tell her I will complete it. I just wanted her to know that I wasn't wasting her time and that my computer skrewed me over. She basically had no patience and said "Well, then I'll just do it...I don't really have time for that but I'll just do it." I beg her to let me do it because I really wanted to complete the work but she didn't get the fact that I was only telling her what happened and not giving her an excuse...so again, she let me work on it.

With all my efforts to show her that I'm a good worker and that I can complete things looking like crap I begin to tear up at my desk. I can't help it. I look awful in the "eyes" of the assistant to the CEO (Basically the one who hires people) and it's not even my fault. Stupid technology.

With my tears falling and me trying to compose myself (I shouldn't add insult to injury by crying on the job...then I'm definitely out)...I begin to pray.

"Lord, I need to find that worksheet. I spent so much time on it"...I take a deep breath, wipe my tears and try to beging the process (3hour long) again. Suddenly, I see my project. In the temp online files (Which I told the IT guy to look for but aparently he got his job based off looks or some sick form of nepotism). Thank God that this has happened to me before (never thought I'd say that). Johnny showed me once when I was writing a paper and "lost" it to temp online files. So then I knew how to recover it. I saved it in the correct place and attached it to an email that read "By the grace of God I found the document. Sorry for all the hassle. "

She actually got a kick out of the grace of God part (which I hesitated on adding but figured He is the reason I found it so I can't take all the credit)...and I completed that horrible assisngment. Now I'm working on the expense reports for the big Development exec...I finished what I could and now I'm waiting for his assistant (and my main supervisor) to return from lunch and then I'll be done. I love having this responsibility, I just wish there was some grace from the people giving it. I'm glad they trust me enough to give me the expense acct info and all that, but please know that I might mess up and don't bite my head off if I do. Maybe I need to remind myself that I can't be perfect at anything and tell myself that I'll have to deal with the consequences if that happens. Luckily God doesn't have grudges and knows I mess up daily...but HE still loves me. I couldn't live without that love....

...I don't know who could. Or how people do....

La Salle

2008-07-30T08:51:00.000-07:00

This weekends meeting went really well and I'm praying that we all get housing this week! Seems like it was moving slow before Sunday and the last few days have been light speed. We made a Google groups so we all could chat on the boards instead of individually by house assignments etc. That seems to be working the best.

There's a really big potential that we apply for a place on La Salle, like 3-4 blocks away from Kevin's place. Please pray warriors...pray that it all works out and we have the money to pay for the security deposit as well as the rent for August and September. Also, pray that I can get a job before we leave so that I can come back to stability in my income to support my only other roommate with a job at this point. These are big prayers but we serve a big God and with Him all is possible! Thanks for your support and constant prayer. I think I'm going to fast tomorrow to keep myself focused on this place before the weekend when Bethany is out of town. Prayer for strenth in that would be wonderful as well.

God Bless :)

2008-07-24T11:50:00.001-07:00

I need to pray more and often...

Apartment Hunting-Pray!

2008-07-18T10:31:00.000-07:00

I was recently called about an apartment in South LA that seemed perfect on paper. Location was within the boundaries given to us, the rent wasn't too high, and it was a 2 bedroom and 2 bath apartment. So I went yesterday to visit the place and it's gorgeous. Almost too nice for the price but hey, I'm not going to complain. HaHa.

But as is expected, it's very hard to get because it's so nice. It even has security!! (I know!).

So basically, please PRAY for this apartment. They already had one application sent it and yesterday was the first open house for the apartment. So it's going to be a rush to get approved and see if Kevin approves. Plus there's the whole money issue. While it's only a $50 increase from what I pay now..I still make at least enough to pay rent...everything else will fall into place (food, gas, etc.)

Thanks for checking up on this blog and supporting me. Please pray, pray, pray that we get this place! Thanks guys :)

Take it far from me..

2008-07-03T09:37:00.000-07:00

Right now I'm at work and thinking about how much my life is going to change in the next month. I will no longer be living in Fullerton, I will completely different roommates, a new job, and an entire new community. I am so very excited for what all that entails, but at the same time I am also so very stressed and overwhelmed. Change and I have never been friends. No I take that back. We have only been friends when it comes to moving furniture. I don't know why and have no possible logical reason for absolutely loving to move around furniture. In my bedroom, the living room, even the kitchen (which is more limited in moving options but still possible). Anyways, so yes...please pray for my fear and doubts in the Lord's power. I am ashamed to confess this but I sometimes doubt what God is able to do for me in terms of tangible things like rent prices, and jobs. I feel like it's up to me to find that apartment and job. But who am I to think that God is unable to help and I am powerful enough to handle it. I think I'm more powerful than God? WRONG!

So for this week, if you could pray that God provides me and my future roommate, Bethany, with eyes to see the places available and to fall in love with wherever God places us. Also pray that He provides funding for me and my roommates both for the Internship in general and also for the first month's rent. I pray that we can move in late August and begin paying rent in September or SOMETHING that I will be able to afford. I pray that I give my stress and worry to God and no longer dwell in that (at least this week).

This is also something I feel like I need to get off my chest...my dad offered me a brand new computer (I was thinking of getting a mac) for my graduation gift. I thought about it for a long time. And in the end, when I am struggling with fundraising, I felt this guilt for asking for this computer for myself when instead I could ask him to give to this ministry. I don't know if he was planning on giving anyway (It's a strange relationship with my father) but I finally told him I'd rather him give to Servant Partners. And although I feel like it's a good thing for him to be involved in supporting me..I'm actually mourning the loss of this beautiful new MAC computer. I guess my point in bringing this up is this: Lord, I pray that you will stop me from thinking about this further and just be thankful that my dad has the resources to give so abundantly. Also pray that I will be able to save up in the next months and years (potentially) to be able to purchase that MAC computer in the future, because for my career I'll need to know how it works and be comfortable using it (plus it's pretty and fun to use!)...ok...I give that up to you God...take it from me. I don't want to dwell in that any longer and I want to be secure in YOU and what You provide for me in my life in this time. Thank you..I praise you.

Amen.

Twlight

2008-06-12T11:26:00.000-07:00

Fundraising update: $1,500! I reached my first deadline goal and just in the knick of time. I tell you God is working in the most mysterious ways and I'm loving Him more for it.

Also, I found out my roommates and we have already been talking through email about housing and just being overall excited for this process to begin. So yay. God is looking out for me and shows me that He does know my heart and things that I need to remain strong and faithful in this scary transition I'm experiencing. Going from college--> full-time, fullerton-->south LA, and young adult-->adult! God is seeing me through in that and growing me in these different areas.

I struggled with not dating for the next year of my life (as Servant Partners requires) for several weeks if not months. I was angry, sad, frustrated, and then tired. But after praying faithfully and remaining in a posture of trust I have come to accept it and even be at peace about it. Although issues still get brought up in my heart (single? dating? do I want marriage? Of course? but, really...should I be single my whole life? Will I have that choice?) I am working these out with God.

I began reading the "Twlight" book last night and I read a line that I thought was very touching (however, turns out I read it wrong...) but here's what I thought it said:

"When life offers you a dream so far beyond what you expected, it's reasonable to grieve when it comes to an end"

And I thought that was pretty. It speaks to what I'm feeling now as I look back on college and the friendships I made and the enormous growth I experienced...it was more than I ever could have expected or deamt about. And now I'm slowly grieving the loss of that and the changes that are beginning to occur in my life. Very poetic, I thought.

I'll leave you know with the actual quote (which I still don't really get):

"When life offers you a dream so far beyond any of your expectations, it's unreasonable to grieve when it comes to an end"....

2008-06-09T21:11:00.000-07:00

Update: I talked to my church's global missions booth and I'm sending him my prayer letter on Wednesday. I might also write a newsletter for all going on a mission from our church (hopefully bringing more awareness to more people, therefore hopefully more fundraising $). yay. Thanks for your prayers!! Keep praying :)

Peace and Love,

God's gifts

2008-05-28T16:35:00.000-07:00

So..I had been very frustrated by my fundraising and wondered if I was going to get the amount needed. But I remained faithful and kept giving up my stress to God (otherwise my head would explode). And the exact night that I gave it up to God I "found" a check for $750 that I didn't know was there days before. I swear it wasn't there and as I gave it to God He blesses me with that huge amount of fundraising. Praise God! Thanks to all my donors who have donated so generously and with such a loving heart. As soon as I get my graduation pictures back I will be sending my thank you's and a picture! I love you all. Please continue to keep me and my Servant Partners class '08 in your thoughts and prayers. Take care and may God continue to be in your hearts and lives :)

Amen.

2008-05-15T12:19:00.000-07:00

Fundraising...it can be overwhelming. Especially with the deadline quickly approaching. I feel like I'm doing what I can, but maybe I can do more. ...So I'm going to use this webpage and facebook just to let people know that I'm in need of funding, and if you are able to give I will graciously take whatever God places in my hands. I know that God is greater than money and He will provide, but I also have to do my part and be humble enough to put myself out there and ask "Can you help me?".

Thanks, to whoever reads this, for supporting me, loving me, and wanting to see God's work in action in my life. God Bless.

Servant Partners Blog now !!

2008-04-30T11:52:00.000-07:00

So..In the sake of time and space, this blog will soon be changing. I'm copying my fellow SPer (Stoker!) and making this an SP blog for updates,prayer requests, and the details that happen leading up to SP as well as during the 2 years.

Finally, I got my fundraising letter/brochure done and I'm hoping to have that in the mail either tonight or tomorrow at the latest. It's time for me to get off my butt and get going. Sometimes I am paralyzed by fear and literally just sit around and watch others get stuff done.

If you would like an electronic version of my brochure just shot me an email: gannon.erika@gmail.com

Otherwise, check you're mailboxes and/or give me your address to snail mail the information to ya! I'm praying that in spite of my laziness and failures, God will provide the funding and work in the hearts of all that I send these out to. Prayer definitely needed! Thanks you guys. I love you, whoever you are that reads this. haha. Take care!

out for a week

2008-04-08T00:24:00.000-07:00

Yes, it's true. I skipped tv for a week. But totally worth it!! I caught up these last few days while being sick and having the tv playing in the background.

Samantha Who? premiered tonight, not a huge fan of the show but saw some clips and got semi-interested. Let me know if anyone saw it and any reviews!

Dancing with the Stars..any bets on who will win?

Eli Stone is moving to Sunday night after Desperate Housewives THIS sunday, so check it out. Hopefully it's not a gimmick to lose ratings and confuse fans...lame.

Let's talk about Chicks, Man...

2008-03-26T10:18:00.000-07:00

I love that quote from "The Soup"...it makes me laugh every time. OK. So I have an interview today for an internship that I'm not too sure I want yet. The company sounds great and I would learn a lot about the "biz" but there are others that sound really great and potentially will pay me ($). Just be praying for me if you get a chance today around 4:30 (that's when I'll be interviewing :)
Thanks.

In TV News: I still have to watch the last LOST episode from last week :( BOO.

Happy TV watching!

tv jobs

2008-03-20T01:18:00.000-07:00

Looking for tv jobs is hard man...hard man. I don't know where exactly that's from, but I know it's some type of reference. Anyway: Yea, I'm looking for a internship and I hope something comes my way that is helpful, fun, and educational. I'm praying and leaning on God to give me a great internship...hopefully in tv development or production.

In TV news...I'm excited for LOST tomorrow night and to see what these crazy writers will do to us next. They inspire me to write better and think more about my spec scripts. I never thought I would one day be talking about potentially writing, but here I am...writing.

I'm sleepy, better close my windows to the world and let them rest for the night. Until morning friends!

I'm online!

2008-03-17T12:19:00.000-07:00

I wrote an article for thepiemaker.com so go check it out! You'll have to scroll down a while until you reach my part but still...I'M on my favorite websites page! yahoo. Yay for blogging and bloggers!

My Night with Pushing Daisies

2008-03-16T01:39:00.000-07:00

I had the time of my life...and I owe it all to Pushing Daisies. Well, first God because he blessed me with the money for the tickets. So, if you don't know what I'm talking about let me fill you in.

Ok, tonight Shannon and I went to Hollywood to see a Q & A with the cast of the new hit "Pushing Daisies" (ABC returning next fall!). Going into it, I didn't know what to expect. Would we get to talk to them personally? Does the moderator get to ask all the questions or how involved are we as the collective audience going to be? So once we finally arrived (stupid LA traffic and random rainfall) we got in line and I could barely contain myself. I kept telling Shannon "We're actually here! We're going to MEET the cast..I BETTER get a picture with Lee (Ned the Piemaker)". I said this over and over again. Then the line begins to move and suddenly people were taking my tickets and I was walking through the doors that would lead me to Pushing Daisies. We rused to grab a seat (general admission). We got pretty decent seating considering we weren't too close in the line outside. Basically we scored!

Then I started talking to the girls sitting next to us because they were talking about the show and stuff so I wanted to get in on their conversation. Then the lady sitting in front of us began talking and told us that her and this guy, I assume is her husband, come to these events each year and know about so much. So I asked her the questions I was wondering about on our way there...like how does the format go? What do they do with the audience? Etc...She told us they usually play a clip or episode (sometimes it's shown to the audience before it even airs!). Then she said the cast will be introduced and then the moderator will ask questions and eventually take questions from the audience towards the end. My excitement was at an alltime high!

Then I spotted the creators of my fav website www.thepiemaker.com so I decided to say hello. I mean, when will I ever do something like this again, right? They were so cool and surprised that I read the site so much and that I came up and said hello. We took pictures, they gave me their business cards and the guy even said I smelled great! So sweet and complete fans of the show.After waiting a little longer, the show finally began! They showed a breif recap of what Bryan Fuller called their mini-season. Then the cast came on. They laughed, they had fun and made fun of each other! It was just fun to watch them enjoy each other's company so much. You could tell they like each other and have fun on set. Once all the questions were answered, it ended and people began going towards the stage, cameras in hand. So I followed, with MY camera in hand. The cast was staying for autographs!!!!! So I waited in a crowd of people stuffed like sardens to get my picture with Lee...just watching him from the crowd I saw how sweet and gracious he is to his fans. I took several pictures from the crowded floor because I didn't know if my chance to meet him would come. I saw him sign books, pictures, magazines. I saw him smile for strangers cameras and take compliments from his admirers.

Then finally, I inched my way up..and I was standing right in front of him. He smelled wonderful and looked amazing (not shocking though..he's gorgeous). I gently asked him if he would take a picture with me and he looked at me with this kind face and said "Of course I'll take a picture with you". As I was getting my old camera ready, I told him I loved his movie "Miss Pettigrew Lives for a day" and he said "Gee, thanks. Thanks for seeing that movie"..I replied "You're great". Someone took our picture and as I backed away to give other's their chance to take pictures with Lee I touched his arm and said "Thanks for being so gracious to us tonight"..He looked at me and said "Thanks for coming out to see us!"...And that was it. ....I then took pictures with other cast members like Chi McBride (Emerson). He was hilarious and had full on conversations with the fans around him. He said he'd love to take a picture with me after I gently asked him to. Then the woman after me asked and he said "Let's take a Prom picture!" SO he stood behind her and wrapped his arms around her like a typical prom picture...they all laughed and he continues entertaining and talking with his fans.
Anna Friel (Chuck) was kind and offered to take tons of pictures with people, but she seemed the most overwhelmed out of everyone. Which is understandable with tons of people rushing a stage, calling your name and wanting pictures and autographs from you. She was quiet and didn't say anything but reply to requests by saying "Yea Sure" or "Of course" (in her lovely British Accent mind you)...Lastly I met with Bryan Fuller, the creator of the show. I told him I was writing a spec script for the show and he encouraged me to continue writing and gave me a huge smile and hug. Just as we were about to take the picture my camera died :( But luckily I had made friends with the blog peeps and they took the picture for me and offered to send it to me by email. So that picture is still to come. ... for now there's this side view of Mr. Fuller ---->
And then it died down and I walked away an extatic and amazed fan! I will never forget the night I met Pushing Daisies cast and creator. It was the night of my life!! If I had to sum up the cast in one word I would say GRACIOUS. Never before have I seen actors/actresses/celebrities be so giving of their time, signatures, and compliments to their fans. I have a new-found respect for them and I will be the most loyal fan because they are sweet people. Hollywood needs some more sweet and generous people in it! I still can't believe this wasn't a dream...it's too wonderful! I love pushing daisies!Can't wait for the DVD release in September and the new Second Season to begin Next fall!!